Found Happiness
by kristen5286
Summary: He is gone. Her love, all she's fought to keep alive for the last year and a half, is dead. Katniss must find a way to move on with her life, to live, without Peeta. She finds comfort in the only person she can stand to be around. Haymitch. This is a story of how they grieve together and find a way to live with their pasts and try to have a future worth living. Hayniss! Rated M!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 1

It's been two months. Two months since my world came crashing down around me. Two months since the one good thing in my life that I had hope for was taken from me, forever. Peeta. He's gone. He's gone and I am never getting him back.

I was so consumed with joy from seeing him that I didn't notice the change in his eyes. How they turned cold and menacing. I didn't see him take on a defensive stance. I saw his arms reaching out to me and I ran to him without hesitation. It took many seconds for me to realize that he wasn't holding me around my neck to hug me. He was choking me. He had his hands wrapped around my neck and he was quickly crushing the life right out of me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I registered the feral scream, felt the warm blood splatter on my face. But it wasn't until I regained consciousness that I learned what happened.

My mom had killed Peeta. She was coming in to check on him right as he attacked me. She lunged at him and jammed her pen into his carotid artery. He was dead in three and a half minutes. There are still some injuries that even the doctors can't heal.

He wasn't my Peeta anymore, they say. He had been hijacked by the Capitol, turned into a Mutt. They say my Peeta no longer existed. That all that was in him that made him Peeta died while he was held prisoner. But he looked like my Peeta. Smelled like my Peeta. Felt like my Peeta. How could they say that my Peeta was gone when I was staring at his lifeless body lying on the morgue table in front of me? His sweet, innocent face was void of any pain or suffering. My love, my life, was lying dead before me and my brain couldn't process this. Didn't want to. Two months later it still didn't want to.

I'm back in 12 now and I more or less live with Haymitch. He came back to watch over me and tried leaving me at home the first three days, alone. When he finally came to check on me he saw that I hadn't moved an inch on the couch, still curled into the same ball he'd left me in three days prior. He packed some of my clothes, picked me up, and carried me to his house. I haven't left since. I shower, I eat, I sleep in his bed. He now sleeps on the couch. At first I didn't want to even bother with moving, but when Haymitch started to undress me to put me in the bath I snapped out of my trance and ran into the bathroom, locking the door, and bathed myself. But beyond basic necessities I am pretty much worthless. On especially bad nights he'll come into the room and rock me back to sleep after a nightmare has me screaming awake. We don't talk. He drinks. I started drinking too after the third week back home.

Home. This wasn't home. Peeta was home. Peeta was dead and cold 6 feet in the ground. Why won't they let me join him? I just want to go home. But I can't. I tried. In 13 they restrained me to a hospital bed to keep me from harming myself. I can't do it back here in 12, either. Haymitch caught me once cutting pretty, straight lines on my wrists and he yelled and screamed at me so loud, throwing the knife into the wall between two panels like I did on the train to my first Hunger Games that I was scared he was going to finish me off himself. I almost asked him to. Almost begged him. Until he whispered "Please sweetheart, I can't lose you too." The tears I saw falling from his eyes hit me harder than a slap in the face. I couldn't be responsible for one more death. Not my own and especially not his. I'd killed enough people as it was. I didn't need another notch in my bow to add to the countless ones already there.

The rebellion went on without me. Johanna killed Coin instead of Snow, who died anyway moments later. Coin deployed bombs that killed innocent, unarmed Capitol children and she wanted to continue the Games with them as well. Johanna said she was no better than Snow. Her trial was quick and she was found not guilty by reason of insanity. How fitting. She and Gale bonded during the war and she lives with him now in 2. I'm glad they have each other. I am glad he has someone, because he could never have me. Not after finding out that the bombs that killed those poor, poor children had been the ones he created with Beetee.

My sister, Prim, is studying to be a doctor in 4 with our mother. I won't let her visit me. I am not ready to see blond hair and blue eyes on anyone, yet. I'm glad Haymitch is from the Seam. His gray eyes don't remind me of Peeta, most of the time. But sometimes I'll catch him staring at me and I know what he's thinking. He's missing Peeta, just as I am, and only stays coherent enough to keep me alive. I'm his one last connection to Peeta. Haymitch is all I have left of Peeta, too, of our shared love and memories of him. Being around each other is painful. We only remind each other of all the people we've loved and lost. But being apart is unbearable. I guess you could say we couldn't survive without each other, though I wouldn't say what we're doing is surviving. More like going through the motions of staying alive.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 2

On one particularly bad night, Haymitch and I are sitting at the kitchen table very drunk, playing a rousing game of "Remember That Tribute"

"Remember about 8 years ago in the 67th Games when that 15 year old girl from 10 was so close to getting her throat slit by the Career from 4 and she turned to face him while he had his knife pressed against her neck from behind and kissed him? He was so shocked that he didn't even see her move until she had already ripped his throat out with her teeth." Haymitch says with a big grin on his face.

"Oh yeah, I remember her" I say. And I do. She was one of the last 4. She ended up dying when a boulder crashed on top of her from the cliff she was backed into by a girl from 2. It was very gory. "What about that guy in the 70th Games from 8 who would tie his victims up by ant piles and drizzle honey all over them and watch while they were slowly eaten alive my ants?"

"Yeah, he copied that from a guy in the 51st Games" Haymitch says with a sad look on his face. Oh, that's right. He was a first time mentor in those Games. He takes a long drink straight from the bottle then settles his gaze on me. I take a drink from my bottle, our glasses abandoned hours ago, never letting my eyes leave his.

"Well sweetheart, as much as I've enjoyed playing this little game of ours, I think it's time I call it a night." And with that he stands up, sways a bit, then stumbles his way to the couch and falls down on it. I sit at the table another half hour finishing my bottle, reliving Clove and Cato's deaths in my mind. When I'm about to be sick from the images I push back from the table and try my hand at standing up. I don't sway as bad as Haymitch did. I work my way over to the couch and find him snoring. I cover him with a blanket and lean down and kiss his forehead without thinking. On my way to his room I vaguely wonder what possessed me to kiss him. I pass out on the bed before a reason can form in my mind.

My head is pounding when I open my eyes but I can smell something heavenly coming from downstairs. After a quick shower and clean clothes I'm feeling half human again. I make my way downstairs to the kitchen. When I get to the door I freeze. Standing at the stove in only flannel pants is Haymitch, cooking. Haymitch can cook? When did he learn and why has he been holding out on me? We've been eating cold leftover stew Greasy Sae has cooked for the past 2 months! As I stand there in mild shock Haymitch says "Enjoying the view? Hope you haven't died from heart failure."

"Haymitch, you can cook." It's a statement more than a question.

"I can heat up some sausage and push some eggs around in a pan until they aren't runny anymore, yes." He says nonchalantly. "But don't go getting your head in the clouds, sweetheart. This is as good as it gets."

I go to the cupboard to get some plates down. I place them down on the table next to the forks I'd just retrieved from the drawer. As he turns from the stove, pan in hand to serve up our food, my eyes fall to his bare and surprisingly well defined chest. How have I never seen Haymitch without a shirt on before? He looks good. As my eyes drift down his slightly toned stomach and slowly back up he clears his throat. "Like what you see, sweetheart?" I flush crimson as I quickly look up to his face. He's wearing that stupid smirk that I loathe. He just laughs and serves our eggs and sausage. I sit down immediately with my head and eyes looking down at my plate.

As we eat in silence I glance up at him and he's chewing with a cocky grin on his face. I roll my eyes at him and stab a piece of meat pointedly. He laughs. In a desperate move to change the subject of our thoughts I try giving him a compliment.

"This isn't half bad, Haymitch."

"Thanks sweetheart, but I know you're still thinking of my half naked body. I'm a human being Katniss, not just a piece of meat you can stab with your fork." He says mockingly.

"Oh shut it!" I huff as I push away from the table and stalk off to the couch where I unceremoniously collapse. I grab the bottle from the side table and swallow the two gulps left in the bottom. A few minutes later Haymitch comes to the living room, thankfully wearing a shirt. I roll my eyes again and scoot over so he can sit next to me. Only he doesn't sit down. I look up at him standing in front of me and ask him "What?"

"Let's go for a walk, Katniss."

"What?" I say completely caught off guard.

"Let's go for a walk, outside. You know, where the rest of the world is. You haven't stepped foot outside of my house once since we got back. Let's go for a walk. When we get back we can sit here on the couch and do nothing." He says. I consider him for a few moments and then stand up saying "Ok." He looks shocked, like he was expecting to have to fight me harder on this. He's been trying today and as unexpected as that is I find that I like this Haymitch. This 'take initiative' attitude I haven't seen from him since we were back in 13 starting the revolution. I missed this Haymitch. Before I can dwell on that too long I march upstairs to change. He follows me up the stairs and into his room. I spin to face him and ask "What are you doing?"

"Um, my clothes are in here too, sweetheart." He says.

"Oh, right." I mumble embarrassed. He grabs what he needs then heads to the hall bathroom to change. Instantly I feel horrible. My being here has forced Haymitch from his own room. I change quickly and wait for him outside the bathroom. When he comes out he curses and jumps back.

"Christ Katniss. Don't scare me like that."

I giggle "Sorry. Look Haymitch, this isn't right. I should be the one sleeping on the couch. I shouldn't be kicking you out of your own room."

"Shut up, Katniss. You're keeping the bed." He huffs as he passes me. "Plus, a real gentleman would let a lady take the bed."

"Too bad you're not a gentleman and I'm definitely not a lady. But I'll stay on the bed because I like it. It's big and warm." He mumbles something under his breath but I don't hear him.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 3

As we walk through town people come up and talk to us. They tell us of the progress they're making cleaning up 12 and who has returned. Most of them are really nice and friendly. Some people, however, give us odd looks and whisper amongst themselves while looking at us.

"What is their deal? Why are they whispering about us, Haymitch?" I ask a little confused and slightly embarrassed.

"Seriously sweetheart, you have no idea?" He asks incredulously. "You're practically moved in with me. They think we're a couple now. Plus, I'm twice your age. That would be reason enough for them to gossip not even factoring in our pasts."

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that." I quietly reply. He just chuckles to himself, takes a swig from his flask then hands it to me. I take it. Eyeing him, I take a long pull of the amber liquid.

We walk to the meadow, my meadow, and head through the new gate in the fence towards the woods.

"You want to hunt, Katniss?" Haymitch asks. "I'll sit here and wait for you."

"Ok." I say. I haven't hunted since I was in 13 and Gale came with me. No. Stop. I don't want to think about Gale or my past. Other than Prim, any thoughts of my past bring nothing but heartache. I go to the hollowed out log where my bow and arrows are hidden. They feel great in my hands. Familiar. I shoot 3 squirrels and 2 rabbits. After 3 hours I work my way back to Haymitch. I find him exactly where I left him, asleep. He's propped up against a tree with the flask in his hand and the sun shining down on his upturned face. He looks so peaceful. Obviously this walk has done us both some good. I feel just about as relaxed as he looks. I stand there looking at him for few moments before I set my kills down and sit next to him. He stays unmoving, completely at peace. There isn't enough room on the tree trunk for me to prop up next to him so in an impulsive moment I lay my head down on his lap facing his feet, curl up and quickly fall asleep.

I wake up around dusk and feel Haymitch's arm resting on my back. I slowly sit up to face him and his hand falls to the ground at his side. I look at him and he just stares right back.

"Have a nice nap, sweetheart?" He asks.

I blush and reply "Yes. Did you?"

"Mmmm" is all that he says and then he drains the rest of his flask and stands up. "We should head back now. Are we dropping your load off at the Hob or taking it home?"

"The Hob" I say. I stand up and dust myself off. Haymitch grabs the squirrels and rabbits and starts walking to town. I quickly stow my bow and arrows and catch up to him.

We don't talk all the way to the Hob. We hand the game out to Greasy Sae and whoever needs them most. We buy a bunch of Rippers white liquor, and a variety of goods from those who are selling. We're quiet, still, as we make our way back to the house. Once we're inside, Haymitch starts putting our purchases away and I go upstairs to shower. Cleaned and dressed in sweat pants and a loose shirt with my hair braided I head down to the kitchen where I hear Haymitch clanking around.

"Think you can finish up dinner while I shower, sweetheart?" He asks

"Sure." I say. I walk to the stove and see he's heating up some of Greasy Sae's stew again. I roll my eyes and stir the pot. He's got some potatoes boiling in water. The stew tastes better over salted mashed potatoes. This cheers me up a bit.

Haymitch comes back down the stairs as I'm serving up dinner. He walks to the cabinet and grabs a bottle of liquor and two glasses before sitting down. Right as I take a seat a loud clap of thunder sounds outside. I jump, startled. "I didn't notice a storm forming outside earlier this evening."

"Must have come up fast. I didn't see anything either." Haymitch replies between bites. We don't talk and the storm grows worse and worse with each passing minute. I get a bad feeling deep in my stomach that tonight is going to be really rough on me. In a desperate attempt to numb the pain and memories before they descend upon me I start drinking with a purpose.

"You wanna slow down there, sweetheart?"

"No Haymitch, I don't. Tonight's going to be bad. I want to get drunk enough that maybe I won't dream." I say. He just looks at me with sad, knowing eyes, nods once, and swallows the rest of his drink in one gulp. After dinner we move to the couch where we take turns swigging straight from the bottle, not saying anything. After about an hour and a half the storm rages on and I'm good and drunk. I shiver involuntarily at a loud clap of thunder that makes the windows shake. Haymitch puts his arm around my shoulder and I curl into his side. We sit like this, passing the bottle back and forth for another hour. When he goes to hand me the liquor and the bottle slips through my fingers he barely catches it in time before it crashes to the ground. I look up at him and slur "I guess it's time I head on up to bed."

"Alright sweetheart." He says, kissing the top of my head. That's odd. But instead of dwelling on it I stand up. He steadies me with his hands on my hips until I stop swaying then I turn and head up the stairs. I strip down to my panties and my shirt and climb into bed. I fall asleep immediately.

I walk down the stairs at my house and find Peeta baking bread in my kitchen. It smells so good. He's kneading the dough with his strong, beautiful hands. I stand and watch him for a while, feeling my love for him warm me from my toes all the way up. I make my way into the kitchen and he turns around when he hears me approaching. He smiles at me and my heart stops. I smile back. He wraps his arms around my waist and leans down to kiss me. My hands move up his arms and rest on his chest as he deepens our kiss. Slowly, he moves his hands up my back, up over the backs of my shoulders, and around to my collar bone. Our tongues are tangled in a heated debate for dominance in each others mouths. I sigh. He moves his hands to wrap around my neck. Then I startle. His hands are getting tighter around my neck. I can't breathe. No! No, no, no, no, no! This can't be happening. Peeta pulls his lips away from mine and sneers at me as he starts squeezing tighter and tighter. I start screaming. Screaming and thrashing around. Peeta just wickedly smiles at me as I beg him to stop with my eyey and screams. I feel arms firmly holding me in a hug, pinning my arms to my sides. I'm screaming, sobbing, trying to get away. As I regain consciousness I realize it's Haymitch holding me. Once I'm fully awake he pulls me into his lap and rocks me back and forth whispering words of comfort into my ears, stroking my hair, kissing my head while the rain pounds away at the side of the house.

I stop crying. My breathing and pulse slow down. I concentrate solely on my breaths. In. Out. Slow. Steady. In. Out. I calm down. He continues to rock me. I start feeling sleeping again. Haymitch lays me back down on the bed and starts to leave. I grab his wrist. "No, please don't go." I plead. "Please Haymitch. Hold me while I sleep." He just looks at me, considering me for a moment then lays down next to me and gathers me into his arms. I curl up close to him. My back to his chest, and fall into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. Right on the edge of sleep I hear Haymitch sigh as he kisses my hair and says "Anything for you, my sweetheart."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters.

Chapter 4

I wake up feeling hot. Too hot. What's going on? Who's holding me? Oh, right, it's Haymitch. He wakes and lets go of me when he feels me moving. I sit up and like a wave crashing to shore it hits me. I run to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before I puke up last night. I heave until nothing but vile stomach acid is coming up. I crumble to the floor as I remember last night. My excessive drinking, trying to keep the nightmares away. I failed miserably. He was there, in my dreams, trying to kill me again. Peeta was gone, no longer around to harm me. Why was I still having horrible dreams of him? I start crying, and curl into a ball on the bathroom floor.

After yesterday I thought I was getting better at handling my erratic emotions. Boy was I wrong. Sobs wrack my body as I claw at the rug, trying desperately to grasp at something tangible. But the pain and misery and sorrow is pulling me down. Down into the dark abyss of lonely torment and torture. I barely notice when Haymitch picks me up and puts me back in bed. He runs a cool, damp cloth over my face and neck and I sip on the water he is trying to get me to drink. I roll over on the bed to stare into oblivion. So well. I was doing so well. I was kidding myself. I wasn't getting better, just better at ignoring my feelings. Better at ignoring the warning signs. The storm should have been my first clue. I was so caught up in how good it felt to hunt again. To feel alive, that I forgot I was already dead inside.

Haymitch tries really hard all day to bring me back to yesterdays' glory. He feeds me some soup which I manage to keep down. But I can't snap out of my trance. This happens often. I finally have a good day but then it's followed by one of my worst days. I feel so guilty. What is wrong with me? How could I possibly think I'd be able to be happy when my dandelion in the spring was shriveled up and dead. Just like Rue, and Cinna, and Cato, and Clove, and Thresh. And, and the list goes on and on.

Late in the evening, Haymitch brings the phone into the room and holds it to my ear.

"Katniss? Katniss, it's me. It's Prim."

"Prim." I whimper, then burst into tears again. She cries right along with me. After 30 minutes of crying I dry out. I've got no tears left. She asks me if she can visit. I don't think I can bear it.

"Yes" I tell her. She'll be here tomorrow. We hang up and I ask Haymitch to stay with me again tonight. I think I'll barely be able to handle the pain with him there to hold me together. All through the night I fidget and moan and am barely able to keep the nightmares at bay, but I don't get any sleep. Neither does Haymitch.

He wakes me up gently, saying "Prim will be here shortly, sweetheart. Would you like to shower?" All I can manage is a nod of my head. I notice the sad expression on his face and his sigh as I make my way to the bathroom. He doesn't deserve this. Haymitch has done more for me than anyone else in my life. Been there for me more. I wish I was stronger for him. I wish I didn't crash as hard as I always seem to do, time and time again. I'm sure he's about at his wits end caring for me like I'm an invalid.

After my shower I dress in the clothes he's set out for me and head downstairs. I sit on the couch, drinking, until Prim shows up. My heart seizes the moment she walks in the door. Her eyes match his exactly. How? I try to stifle the cry caught in my throat but the flood gates open the moment she rushes into my open arms.

Once I've regained shaky control of my emotions we go for a walk. I'm not paying attention to where we're going, but when I look up I see we're standing in front of the bakery. I stop. I stare at what's left of the building. I imagine all the times I brought squirrels here. Remember the time when Peeta saved mine and my family's lives by tossing me that bread when we were 11. Eventually Prim drags me away and down the road. After making a loop around town she heads us back towards Haymitch's house.

"Prim?" I ask.

"Yes, Katniss?" she replies.

"I loved him, you know."

"I know" she says.

"He tried to kill me. Mom saved me. Mom killed him protecting me." I whisper.

"I know Katniss." My sister says hugging me. I start crying again. Haymitch walks out and carries me back inside to the couch. Prim and him talk for a while. I just cry. I think she kisses me goodbye. I need a drink. I need the whole bottle. Knowing me so well, Haymitch brings me one after my sister is gone. He sits down next to me with his own bottle and we drink.

I look down at our joined hands. When did we start holding hands, I ask myself. I don't really care. Any comfort is welcome at this point. I think this is his way of trying to hold me together.

4 days. That's how ling I'm emotionally gone, this time. That's an improvement. Last time was 10 days. When I wake up this morning, again, in Haymitch's arms, I feel the fog has lifted, if only slightly. I go to shower and change. When I get done I see Haymitch is still sleeping. I lay back on the bed on my back and stare at the ceiling. About an hour later he wakes up and props up on an elbow to look down at me. When my eyes reach his a small smile plays on his lips. "Welcome back, sweetheart." He softly says. With a smile that doesn't reach my eyes I look up at him. "Want to come down stairs for breakfast Katniss?" He asks, hopeful. "Ok" I barely whisper.

Haymitch seems happier today. I know he prefers it when I'm mentally present. He doesn't have to care for me as much. I'm not as useless.

"Haymitch" I start "you don't have to keep doing this, you know."

"Doing what, Katniss?" He asks.

"Taking care of me. Having me live here. I could go back to my house. I should go back to my house. You need to live your life doing what you want. Not caring for a crazy and mentally damaged girl."

"Did you ever think that maybe I am doing what I want?" He turns to me, a plate of toast in his hand, and sits down at the table with me.

"What do you mean? How could this possibly be what you want? On my best days I'm a drunken mess and on my worst I can't even feed myself." My voice gets loud. I'm so frustrated. Why does he even bother?

He looks down at the slice of bread in his hand and says "Even on your worst days, sweetheart," he looks up at me "you're still the only thing I have left in the world." I can feel my face heat up at his words. He keeps looking me straight in the eyes. He's making a point. Making sure I understand how serious he's being.

"Katniss, I'm not just your mentor anymore. I'm your friend. And you're my only friend. I need you just as much as you need me. More even. For 25 years I've been alone. With you here I'm not anymore." He says with such sincerity I find I'm fighting back tears. "So don't think this is a one sided thing here. Just because you don't have to spoon feed me every now and again doesn't mean you're not holding me together as well." He takes a bite and looks away. Giving me a chance to let all of that sink in. I take a bite of toast. It's hard to swallow down with this huge lump in my throat.

We finish our meal in silence and when he's done he grabs a bottle and heads for the couch. After this mornings' confessions I know today won't be a good day for him. I stay at the table for a long time. Until my legs go numb. Then I walk back up the stairs and curl up on his bed and try to sleep. The nightmares come. This time they're about Cinna. I relive him being beaten to death right in front of me before the Quarter Quell starts and I can't help him. Can't save him. It's like a video on repeat. It plays over and over and over.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Note: This one has been one of my favorite chapters so far! This one and the first one I like best, I think.

Chapter 5

Another week goes by. Things haven't gotten much better. I can feed myself but I still spend most of my days in a trance. Haymitch stays quite drunk. He barely leaves the couch. He hasn't slept in bed with me since he told me he needs me too. Today I wake up feeling exhausted. I was up all night fighting my demons. I get up and get dressed in my boots and hunting clothes. On my way out the door I grab my dad's jacket and Haymitch asks from the couch "Where are you off to, sweetheart?"

"Hunting." I reply. He just grunts in response.

Once I'm in the woods I head to the rock where I used to meet Gale. I sit down and painfully remember out last good memory here. It was the day of the reaping for the 74th Hunger Games. We shared berries, some cheese Prim left out for us, and some bread. Bread. Peeta. The tears start falling immediately. With my knees to my chest I lay my head on them and cry. Cry for all the moments we shared together. I cry for the hope he gave me after my dad died and he tossed me the bread. I cry for the times I used his love for me to better our situation in the Games. I cry for the moment I realized that I really did love him. And I cry for the future we'll never get to have.

Hours pass and when I finally have a hold on my grief I look up. That's when I see it. There, 3 feet in front of me, is a dandelion. I half sob half gasp. This wasn't there when I first sat down, was it? Surely I'd have noticed it. But there it is. My sign of hope. I can feel Peetas presence. Feel his warm, strong arms around me, comforting me. "I love you Peeta." I say out loud. "I love you and I'm sorry I didn't realize it before I couldn't tell you anymore. I thought we'd have more time. How do I go on? How do I move past the pain of losing something I never realized I had until it was taken from me?" I'm about to start crying again when a warm breeze washes over me and I heart it. A Mockingjay. It sings Rue's four notes meaning she was safe. But how? A Mockingjay can only repeat what it's heard. How did this bird know Rue's tune? And then I know. The dandelion, the warm breeze, the song. It's all Peeta. He's telling me he's safe now. Wherever he is he's safe, and he's giving me hope. Even dead, Peeta is still saving me. I never deserved his love but in this moment I am grateful for it.

I crawl across the ground to the dandelion and lay down facing it. Letting all of Peetas love envelope me. Reach into the depths of my soul and heal me. I lay there looking at this gift Peeta has given me until the sun starts setting. I pick the dandelion and hold it to my heart as I whisper "Thank you" into the forest.

When I get back to the house it is dark out. Haymitch has moved to the kitchen table but he's got an almost empty bottle clutched in his right hand. "I was about to send a search party out to find you, sweetheart. What? Didn't find anything to kill in the woods today?" He says sarcastically. Not ready to share with him what I discovered today I just tell him "Nope, nothing." And head to the bookshelf in the living room.

I choose a small book. A collection of old poems from authors long turned to dust in their graves. I open it to the middle and the poem there is perfect. Spring Quiet by Christina Rossetti (from Verses 1847). I lightly kiss my dandelion and place it on the page and close the book. Holding it to my heart, I close my eyes and breathe a calming breath. A small smile forms on my lips. I place the book back on the shelf and turn towards the kitchen.

"Come on Haymitch, it's time for a shower." He just rolls his eyes and takes a drink. I kneel down at his knees and look up into his glassy, gray eyes. With the smile still on my face I stroke his arm and say "Come. Let me take care of you for once." He just stares down at me while different emotions play over his face. Annoyance, confusion, sadness, something that looks like desire, and finally settles on acceptance. He nods and I help him stand up. I walk him to his room and start the shower for him. I close the door as I head out to get some clothes for him. I lay his flannel pants and an undershirt out on the bed and head to the kitchen. I warm up two bowls of stew and head back upstairs with them. He's drying his hair with only his pants on. His back is facing me. I can see the drops of water dripping down the lean muscles that make up his scarred but beautiful back. My mouth goes dry. I clear my throat and he turns to face me. This is worse. Now I can see his chest. His stomach.

"Get a shirt on Haymitch." I manage to say. He smirks and obliges me. Surprisingly, he keeps the sarcastic remarks I can see in his eyes to himself. We eat in silence on the bed. Once we're done I tell him to lie down while I clean the bowls and take a shower. Once I'm done I go to the opposite side of the bed and lay down under the covers. Propped up against my pillow like Haymitch, I cross my hands over my stomach and sigh.

"Haymitch, I want to tell you something. But you have to promise not to laugh." I say.

"I can't promise I won't laugh but I can promise I won't judge you."

Well, I guess that's the most I can expect from him. I tell him about my day. About Gale and the bread. About Peeta and crying. I tell him about the dandelion and the breeze. The Mockingjay and how it sang Rue's song. I even tell him where I put the dandelion in his living room. When, finally, I'm done I notice how quiet he is. I hadn't been looking at him while I told him, not wanting to see the smirks I was sure to find there. But now I worry he's fallen asleep, not hearing anything I've just told him. I turn to look at him and I'm shocked at what I see. Haymitch is staring straight ahead with tears falling down his cheeks. I scramble up to my knees and grasp his head between my hands and turn his head to face me. Looking into his eyes, I wipe his tears away with my thumbs and notice I'm crying now, too. He reaches up and wipes my tears away. While we're both still holding each others faces I ask him "Why are you crying, Haymitch?"

"That was beautiful Katniss. I wish I could have been there to feel what you felt. I miss him too, you know?" he says hoarsely.

"Oh, I wish you could have been there too. He gave me such a feeling of peace. I know he's happy now. He's safe. Our Peeta is safe." And then I hug him and he hugs me back and together we cry. Cry in pain, in sorrow, and in happiness.

Once our tears have stopped and our emotions are settled I pull back and look at him once more. He tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear, his eyes never leaving mine. Instead of removing his hand he lets it slide into my hair, gently grabbing the back of my neck. He, slowly, pulls our heads together and pauses when there's barely an inch of breath between us and gives me the chance to pull back. To stop what I know is about to happen. I don't. He closes his eyes as he closes the distance between us and kisses me. I sigh, closing my eyes, and let it happen. I feel my lips softening to his. Slowly moving with his. Almost as quickly as it started he pulls away. A look of peace and comfort settles in his eyes. He smiles a small smile and then releases me.

After a moment of stunned silence for what just happened I lay down next to him. He pulls my back to his chest and he holds me in his arms, like he used to, and quietly we fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Sorry it's taking longer for new chapters. This is where the story gets tricky and I don't want to mess their relationship up by moving it too fast. Moving from friends to lovers is hard… but harder still with the history they have. Especially when you factor in a dead Peeta and Haymitch's age. It's not going to be easy getting them together but I want to do it right. So many great Hayniss stories I read rush them straight to the sack but that's not what I think would really have happened. Anyway, thanks for y'alls patience.

Chapter 6

The next morning I wake in his arms. I turn in his embrace to face him and he smiles down at me. "Good morning, sweetheart ." He says affectionately. He's never used 'sweetheart' as an endearment before. I smile back up at him and tell him good morning. He doesn't kiss me. He briefly tightens his hold on me, hugging me, then he gets up and heads to the bathroom.

I get up and get dressed then head down stairs. As I work on the eggs he strolls in the kitchen and gets plates out and sets them on the table.

"Mmmm, smells good Katniss." He says and sits down at the table. I don't respond. What is this? Are we just pretending like last night didn't happen? Well, two can play that game. I won't bring up our kiss until he does.

This is childish. We're both adults. I can bring it up first. I finish cooking the eggs during my inner monologue. When I turn around I see that he's staring at me. His face is completely blank. "What?" I ask. He just shakes his head and looks away. That was weird. I decide to not bring anything up as we eat.

After we're done and the kitchen is cleaned I head outside. I need some space from Haymitch and some fresh air wouldn't hurt. I start to head towards the woods. I get to the gate in the fence and stop. I look past the fence into the woods. It doesn't look as warm and inviting s yesterday. I turn and walk a few yards. I stop, look around. I don't have anywhere to go. After yesterday I'm hesitant to go back into the woods. My heart is finally ready to heal from the loss of Peeta. I'm not sure if going back in there is smart right now.

As I roam aimlessly through town I allow myself to think of Haymitch and that kiss. If I'm being honest with myself I have to admit that as surprised as I was that he kissed me, I liked it. I know, I know. I'm insane. But in that moment Haymitch wasn't my mentor, wasn't another victor, and he wasn't a much older man. When he kissed me he was a man and I was a woman. Plain and simple. And this woman was at a loss as to what to do.

Well, I didn't need to make any decisions about that right now. I knew I definitely wasn't ready for anything more serious than the setup we had right now. I still wanted, no, needed, his comfort at night. I hope last night didn't ruin that. I didn't want to have to go back to sleeping at my house. But I was also sure that I didn't want to do any more kissing right now. Mostly. Kind of. No. no. no more kissing. I needed to finish sorting my feelings out. I needed more time. It'd been mere months since I lost Peeta and I barely just started mending my broken heart yesterday. More time is definitely what I needed. Plus, I'm only 18. I've got plenty of time.

Feeling better about things I head back home. Woah. I'm thinking of Haymitch's house as home now? Well, I guess it is. I haven't been back to my place other than to get a few things here and there in weeks. When I walk in the door I see Haymitch sprawled over the couch. He looks up at me and lifts his almost empty bottle towards me as his hello. He's drunk. Very drunk. I smile over at him and head to the kitchen. "Want anything to eat, you old drunk?"

"I'm sticking to a liquid diet tonight, sweetheart." He slurs. I roll my eyes but bring a chicken sandwich over to him anyway. He grunts as I set the plate on the coffee table but doesn't look up at me.

"I'm showering then going to bed." I announce. No response. Whatever. Avoiding each other a while longer is probably for the best.

I fall asleep quickly. My body still isn't used to exercise as it once was. It's not very long before I start having another nightmare. I'm running, running towards President Snow's mansion. I see Prim. She sees me. She's holding her arms out to me. We run to each other. When I reach her I wrap my hands around her tiny neck and squeeze. I can't squeeze hard enough . Prim's eyes grow large with fear. She starts clawing at my hands and arms, scratching me until I bleed. Someone runs into me, knocking me to the ground. It's Peeta. Laying on my back he straddles my stomach and starts choking me. He's laughing and laughing. I stop fighting, letting him kill me. I just want it all to be over. I see my mom running towards us, pen in hand, ready to kill Peeta. I scream for her to stop. No mom! Just let him finish. As I try and scream at my mom I feel someone hugging me tight from behind. How? Peeta is sitting on top of me. I start to black out.

Then I'm awake and it's Haymitch I feel holding me. He's laying behind me on the bed and holding me to his chest. Holding onto me like I could be ripped from his arms any moment. I start sobbing uncontrollably. He holds me, not saying a word. Nothing needs to be said. I fall asleep, eventually, in the comfort of his arms. This time, when I dream, I dream of sweet, soft kisses.

Weeks go by like this. I eventually am able to go into the woods again. Haymitch comes most of the time. He'll wait by where I hide my bow and arrows, drinking, while I hunt. At night we drink and he'll hold me through the night whether it's on the couch or in bed. We haven't kissed since that one night. We haven't talked about it either.

I haven't had a Peeta nightmare since the night after the kiss. After about 3 months I'm finally laying him to rest in my heart. It doesn't hurt as much anymore to think of him. My memories of him are fond, happy even. I smile when I think of him and how he's safe now.

With the pain of losing Peeta fading away another emotion is taking its place. Love. Love for Haymitch. It wasn't romantic love at first. I loved him first as my friend, my savior. That's what he is. He saves me from my pain and nightmares. He saved me in the Games and from the Capitol. He saved me from taking my own life. I love him for it.

Now that 6 months has gone by I'm realizing more and more each day how my feelings are changing. I find his sarcasm more endearing than annoying. I notice little things about him I hadn't before like the way his eyes shine when he sees me coming through the woods with my game bag full. The way he snores softly when he's asleep. I like the way his hair falls in his eyes when he's concentrating. I even love the way he smirks at me when I mess up while he's teaching me how to play chess.

After that first kiss I wasn't ready for more. I wasn't ready for love, orkisses, or anything else. I was only interested in basic comfort. He gave me that without hesitation. I gave it right back to him. I know my being around helps keep him together too. But now my feelings had changed, grown. I found myself thinking of kissing him again more and more. I dream of running my hands down his bare chest, down his stomach. I imagine his hands on my hips pulling me into a passionate kiss.

What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to just go and kiss him? What if he pushed me away? I don't think I could take the rejection. If only he'd just kiss me again I wouldn't let him stop. I'd hold on to him and show him how I'd grown to feel about him. But something in me told me that wasn't happening again. Not unless I made the first move.

I could do that.

Note: I have another story, a Peeta/Katniss story that I wrote. (It's called Always) I wrote it all in Katniss POV. Now I'm writing it in the POV of Peeta. Would y'all be interested if I did that to this story as well? Wrote it in the POV of Haymitch? I'd post the chapters here at the end of this story and name them "Chapter 1 Haymitch POV" etc. Let me know if that's something y'all would be interested in reading.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 7

"Prim! What are you doing here? I mean, hi!" I run and hug my sister. Boy is she a sight for sore eyes. I was not expecting her but I am so happy she's here. After everyone I've lost, I'm so glad I still have her.

"I don't have a lot of time before I have to head back to 4. One of our doctors was headed here to train the staff at the hospital and I had the time off to join him. But I have classes on Monday so I have to leave tonight." I'm instantly sad again. I wish I could have more time with her. I shake off my negative thoughts, I've got plenty of time for them once she's gone.

We spend the afternoon walking around town. We reminisce and talk to the townspeople. Surprisingly enough, all the talk of the past and all the people lost don't break me. I don't slip away. I don't drown in grief. Maybe it's because I'm truly getting better, or maybe it's the girl walking next to me. My baby sister. Sweet Prim is possibly the best medicine to help mend my broken soul.

All too soon it's time for her to go. We cry and hug until she boards the train, and then we still cry. I stand there crying until long after her train disappears. I miss her so much. I could move to 4 to be with her and our mom. But I know leaving 12 would destroy me. As many horrible memories as 12 holds for me, it also holds an infinite amount of good ones. My only memories of my dad are here. All my good memories of Gale and hunting in the woods are here. I know I could make new memories with my sister but I know I'll never truly leave 12. My heart is here. We buried Peeta here under a willow tree.

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow_

_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow_

_Lay your head down, and close your sleepy eyes_

_And when again they open, the sun will rise_

I sing this song softly to myself as I watch the sun set in the west. When I finish I feel warm arms wrap around me from behind. Haymitch. He holds me close to him and whispers in my ear "That was beautiful, sweetheart." I close my eyes as fresh tears fall silently down my cheeks. I'm crying and I'm hurting, but not in the same way as I was 6 months ago. 4 months ago. Last month. My tears are tears of sorrow and happiness for all my lost loved ones who have closed their eyes for the final time in this world and opened them again in the sunlight of eternal life.

I turn in his arms, lean up to him, and kiss his cheek. Then I grab his hand and tell him "Let's go home, Haymitch."

We hold hands as we walk back to his house. People stare. I don't care. That night as he's holding me in bed I think to myself how after all I've lost I might finally have found happiness. Here in 12, with Haymitch.

About a week later Haymitch and I are sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner when he looks up at me and says "Thank you, Katniss."

What? What is he thanking me for? "For what?" I ask him. I can tell how uncomfortable he is but I ignore it. He brought it up.

"For staying with me. I feel like things aren't as horrible as they were before you were here."

Wow. This is big. Haymitch hardly ever talks and he especially doesn't ever talk about his emotions.

I am at a loss for words. I just sit there, mouth open wide, my spoon stopped in mid air on its way to my mouth. Then Haymitch does what he does with almost every good moment, he ruins it.

"Well, don't have a coronary, sweetheart. It was just a little compliment. I've been known to give them from time to time. On rare occasions. Ok, maybe never. But still." He pauses a brief moment. "Breathe Katniss, breathe." And I do. I let out the big, shaky breath I had been holding. He chuckles and continues eating.

"You're welcome, Haymitch. And thank you. Thank you for helping me heal. Thank you for taking care of me when I couldn't do it on my own." Now I'm on a roll. "Thank you for holding me through my nightmares." I get up and kneel in front of him. I grab his hands and look into his eyes as I continue. "Haymitch, you have helped me so much in every way humanly possible. More than anyone else in my life. I don't know how to even begin repaying you. If you live to be 100 that still won't be enough time to show you how grateful I am, to thank you. You've put hope back in my mind. Life back in my body. Love back in my heart. Haymitch, I love you. You know that right?"

I see the shocked and scared look on his face. He doesn't know how to respond. Well, it's now or never. "I love you. I love you as my only friend I have left. I love you as the only comfort I have in my life. And Haymitch, I love you more than all that. I'm almost healed. I'm almost whole again. The only thing missing from me now is you. Is my love returned. Only you can fully mend my broken soul by loving me back. I don't know anything about romance or relationships and I'm not in any rush either. But I have strong feelings for you and I'm tired of fighting them. At night when you hold me I long to feel your lips on mine again. I don't care what anyone else in the world thinks. I don't care that you were my mentor. And I definitely don't care that you're older. My heart doesn't see all that. It only sees you. My light, my new hope, and, hopefully, my future." With that I stand up, kiss his forehead, and walk upstairs to our room.

I know he needs time to digest all I've told him. I fear if I had waited for him to respond he would have brushed me off calling me a foolish girl. I know Haymitch. I know with some time and space he'll realize I truly mean everything I said and, maybe, realize he feels the same.

An hour passes, then two. As we're nearing the three hour mark I'm starting to get nervous. I'm about to head back down stairs when I hear him walking down the hall. My heart pounds loudly in my chest, I can hear my pulse in my ears. My breathing picks up. I am so nervous. I hear him pause outside the door. I sit up straight on the bed, my back to the headboard. I hear him exhale loudly and then open the door. He stands in the doorway and looks at me. I look right back.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Here comes the Mature rating!

Chapter 8

"Katniss." he says. I sit up straighter and bit my lip trying to slow my breathing that's coming in short quick bursts. He walks towards me, never leaving my gaze. He stops at the foot of the bed and his gaze falters. He quickly looks all over the room before finally settling on my face again. He lets out a ragged breath and sits by my feet. "Katniss," he starts again. Shaking his head he says "I don't know what to say."

"Well, Haymitch, I just poured my heart out to you. Think you could manage the same?" I say somewhat sourly. He looks down at his lap, nodding his head.

Still not meeting my eyes he softly says "This is wrong Katniss, for so many reasons. I'm so much older than you. You could easily find someone your age. And then I was-"

"STOP!" I almost yell. "Just stop." I say at a more reasonable decibel. "Did you not hear a thing I said? I said none of that mattered to me. You _know_ me Haymitch. When have I ever cared about what people will think or what's proper in society's eyes? I love you, damnit! Now what do you have to say about that?" I demand.

He stares at me with his mouth open, "I love you too." He whispers. Then, realizing he's actually said this out loud he jumps back, gasping, his eyes wide with shock.

A with a look of disbelief and slight awe on my face I quietly ask "You do?"

He lets out a defeated breath and says "Of course I do, sweetheart. I'd be a fool not to. Look at you. You're a mess. You're scared, and broken, and a major pain in the ass, but you're perfect. You're brave and strong. Stronger than anyone I've ever known. You're a survivor. You're beautiful Katniss, as much on the outside as you are on the inside."

Now it's my turn to be stunned into silence. Haymitch gets up and comes to sit beside me, facing me. He grabs my hands in his. I look down at our joined hands, a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. I look back up into his Seam gray eyes.

"I don't know where we go from here." He confesses. His face is a mixture of confusion and anxiousness. I take one of my hands from his and touch his cheek.

"Why don't we start here." I say and, finally, do what I've been wanting to for months now. I lean forward towards him and kiss him. He lets go of my other hand and puts both of my cheeks in his hands, kissing me back. My hands fist into the front of his shirt. I pull him to me, lying back on the bed, pulling him on top of me. I open my mouth, letting his tongue in, after he strokes my bottom lip with it.

He moves himself into a more comfortable position over me. I part my legs, letting him settle between them, our hips pressed together. My arms go around his neck as our kiss becomes more heated, more urgent. He holds his weight up with one arm while his other hand moves up from my bended knee to my hip. My hips instinctively thrust forward at the feel of his hand. Groaning into my mouth he grinds his erection down on to me in response. My breath catches at the feel of him. Oh my! He is definitely all man. He stops kissing me and pulls back to look at me. We're both panting heavily.

"Are you ok, sweetheart?" he asks.

"Yes, you just, uh, startled me is all." I flounder. He smirks at me, then chuckles.

"Not quite what you were expecting?" He asks, mischief in his eyes.

"Honestly, I wouldn't know what to expect Haymitch. I've never been with a man before."

His face sobers. "Right." He breathes. "Sometimes I forget how innocent you really are in some things." He says "Maybe we should stop, for now" he continues.

"Oh." I say, hurt.

"No sweetheart. It's not that, I just think-"

"No, it's ok Haymitch." I say, cutting him off. "I get it. I'm inexperienced. I can see how that could be a turn off. I don't know what I'm doing."

"Damnit woman! That couldn't be farther from the truth. Your inexperience is the exact opposite of a turn off. To think that I could be the first on to teach you, show you, it's all I can do to keep my sanity at this moment. You don't realize the effect you can have on a man."

I smirk a little and wiggle underneath him. "I have some idea." I say, flirting. I can't believe I'm flirting with Haymitch Abernathy!

"I want it to be you. Only you." I tell him.

"Only me what?" he asks, confused.

"I want you to be my first, Haymitch. I want you to be my first and I want you to be my only." I stare up at him with question in my eyes. Please, don't turn away from me. Please, don't turn me down, I plead silently in my mind.

"Katniss, are you absolutely sure? Because if we do this, if we go down this road, there's no turning back. I can't share you Katniss. I can't have you then lose you. My heart couldn't take it. I can barely survive keeping you at arm's length. But if I make love to you, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'd never survive without you again. I've only ever loved one other woman in my life. I've spent the last 26 years drinking to get over losing her. If I lost you, I'd lose any will I had left to live." He stops talking when he sees I'm crying. He wipes the tears from my face and I tell him

"Oh, Haymitch, I feel the same way. After losing Peeta I thought I'd never love again. But here I am, loving you. I wouldn't have survived the loss of him if it wasn't for you. You kept me together. What would I do if I lost you? Without you I'd break into a million little pieces. You see, Haymitch, we're the same. We need each other just as much as the other."

He kisses me slowly, sweetly. I feel the heat burning inside me. I gently bite his bottom lip. Our mouths open, our tongues seeking out each other. They collide, swirling around in an erotic dance. My hands move up his back. His free hand slides up my stomach to my breast. He squeezes it, then, tugs at my hardened nipple through the fabric. His lips leave mine and travel down my neck. Kissing and nibbling their way down to my collarbone. There, in the dip below my neck, he swirls his tongue around and then bites me as he tugs a little harder at my nipple. I inhale sharply, arching my back. He hums against my skin then moves his lips to my breast. Through my shirt and bra he nips at me, tugging my nipple with his teeth. Oh god. I roll my hips up to his, desperately seeking some friction. The ache between my legs is becoming unbearable.

His hand slowly works its way up my shirt, his rough hands sending sparks flying wherever he touches my bare skin. He rolls his hips, pressing himself firmly against me. A moan escapes my lips. Quickly, he removes my shirt and bra then looks down at my exposed chest. His eyes fill with wonder and he smiles. Then, his eyes meet mine. A sexy smile plays on his lips as he says "You are so beautiful, sweetheart." Then his mouth moves down to claim my breast. Oh my goodness! I thought I felt good a minute ago. Wow, this is heavenly. As he works his tongue, teeth, and lips between both of my breasts I tangle my hands into his hair.

After a few minutes I start tugging at the top of his shirt, trying to pull it off of him. He sits up and yanks it up over his head, buttons flying everywhere. Once it's off he looks down at me, his eyes are on fire, just like my body. Slowly he unbuttons my pants, pausing before he slides them down my legs and looks up at me, one eyebrow cocked. I nod. Then he takes them off. I sit up and work off his belt and start to push his pants down. He helps me.

We look at each other, only in our bottoms. I start to blush but Haymitch shakes his head. "Don't go getting shy on my now, sweetheart. We're only just beginning." With a smirk he crawls back on top of me and kisses me.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Later that night as he holds me in his arms I …. Just kidding! Y'all didn't think I'd skip out on the good part now did you?!

Chapter 9

In the back of my mind I think of all the things that lead up to this moment. To me with Haymitch, in his bed, about to make love for the first time. A lot of pain, loss, and hurting brought us here. But love brought us here too.

I'm brought out of my reverie when his lips leave mine, traveling back down my neck. He presses soft kisses and sweet love bites all the way down, over my chest, down my stomach, and to the top of my panties. As he trails kisses between my hip bones he lets his finger scratch slowly up and down over my panties where they've grown quite wet. My breath shutters out of me as I respond to these new sensations. Oh my! He uses his thumb to push circles around on the point where all my nerves meet. My hips buck off the bed as I throw my head back and let out a loud moan.

Taking advantage of my rear off the bed he starts pulling off my underwear, leaving me completely nude. My body shivers with need and want. I look up at Haymitch and see a wicked gleam of triumph in his eyes and smile. He looks up at me and his eyes flash. Watching my face he begins to slowly stroke me up and down along my tender and throbbing folds. Slowly moving his fingers towards my wet center he continues his slow assault, up and down, his eyes never leaving mine.

Once he's worked his way though the only barriers I have left he slowly circles his finger at my opening. I can't hold his gaze any longer and my eyes roll back in my head. I hear his low chuckle and I look at him. His eyes are now focusing on what his finger is doing. How? How can one glorious finger make me feel this way? It's unfathomable. His pace never picks up but he does begin to start sliding into me, slowly, still circling his finger around. He moves it in me then pulls it back out. I think I'm going to faint. Slowly, my hips start moving in circles, keeping in tempo with his finger.

Then, all of a sudden, I feel a stretch. I yelp as Haymitch inserts a second finger into me, never stopping his motions. All the blood in my body is pooled down between my legs. I can think of nothing more than the feel of his fingers in me. I look at him and watch as he lowers his head to kiss me. There! And when he does my world flips upside down. My head is spinning, my body jerking in ecstasy as he kisses, licks, and sucks on me while his fingers swirl in and out of me.

I start panting heavily. I feel something building deep within me. Pulling me, pushing me. Doing who knows what with my poor frazzled body. My hips rock into his face and hand as he brings me closer and closer to something but what. I don't yet know.

And then he stops. What? Why? No! I look down at him, "Why did you stop? That felt so good." I whine.

"I'm not giving you your first orgasm with my mouth, sweetheart." He says, rising from between my legs. Well, damn!

Still breathing hard I try to comprehend what he's said. He must see the confusion on my face because he grabs my hand, placing it on his rather large erection over his boxers, and says "This is where your first orgasm is coming from." Oh. My eyes go wide. I can't stop the giggle that escapes my lips. He looks at me incredulously.

"Something funny sweetheart?" he says, slightly annoyed. Uh oh.

"Yes, that's not going to fit in me." I say. Then that smirk I've grown to love is back.

"Oh sweetheart, yes it will. It's going to hurt at first, but after, you'll be screaming from pleasure, not pain." He says.

"We'll see." I smirk. "Mmmm" is the only sound he makes in response.

He stands up to take his boxers off. Woah. I've seen naked men before, but never in this state. Now I'm slightly scared. I bite my lip as Haymitch gets on top of me, between my legs.

Quietly he says "Don't be scared sweetheart. I promise I'll be gentle. I'm going to try to hurt you as little as possible." And then he kisses me.

This kiss is full of passion and love. Our tongues meet and my hands are in his hair. I feel the heat burning in me again. His erection is pressed against my thigh. I ache to feel him inside me.

After a while he pulls away and looks down at me saying "Are you ready Katniss? Last chance to bow out."

"No." I say immediately. "I'm sure. I want this. I want you Haymitch. Remember, you and only you." He smiles at me.

"I love you Katniss."

"I love you too Haymitch."

He kisses me one last time as he positions himself at my opening. He closes his eyes and groans.

"You are so wet. Ok, I'm going to go very slow. You tell me if you need me to stop and I will, ok? He asks.

I nod. "Ok"

Watching me intently he pushes inside me. Only the tip. My nails dig into his shoulders. He stops. I nod and he moves a little farther in me.

"Ahhh" I gasp. Ouch! He stops. It feels like he's pushing against a wall. There is absolutely no way he will fit that thing inside me! Nope. Not happening.

But after a minute or two I begin to adjust to him and I wiggle my hips the tinniest amount. He takes his cue and pushes a bit more of himself into me until he does hit a wall. My virginity.

He stops again, waiting. I breathe as slowly as possible. Calming myself down, steeling myself for the pain of what's about to happen.

"This'll be the worst of the pain right here, Katniss. Are you ready?"

"Yes. Yes I'm ready." I dig my nails further into his shoulders in anticipation. And then he kisses me fiercely. His lips crushing onto mine. As I am distracted by his kiss he thrusts quickly the rest of the way in me and stops, swallowing my cry of surprise and pain. He continues to kiss me and I feel my walls pulsing around him. I can feel him inside me, filling me up.

I pull away from our kiss and smile up at him. He shakes his head and says "I don't deserve you."

I look him in the eyes and say "Shut up, Haymitch. We deserve each other." I kiss him and start moving beneath him. He slowly starts to pull out of me, all the way to the tip, then push himself all the way back inside me. He moans. I smile.

After a few minutes the pain turns to an awkward feeling, then to pleasure. Before I know it I'm moaning loudly, raking my nails down his back. I pull my knees up towards my hips, allowing him to go deeper. At this he growls and bites my bottom lip. Our breathing is heavier, louder, as he starts pounding into me at a faster pace. I feel the familiar tug deep in my gut from earlier. I scream his name as I feel myself violently convulse around him. My vision goes black from the pleasure. Somewhere through the fog I hear him whisper my name like a prayer and then he fills me, finding his own release.

He lies on top of me still inside of me as our hearts try to find a slower, steadier rhythm to beat at. Our breathing slows and then he props himself up over me and looks into my eyes.

"Christ Katniss, what have you done to me?" He asks, exasperated.

"Was I ok?" I ask, unsure of myself.

"Ok? Ok? Are you kidding me? I've never done anything in my life worthy of deserving what just happened. You, sweetheart, were far from just ok. You surpassed even my wildest dreams. And believe me; I've had a few of those. Now I definitely know I don't deserve you. Katniss, I love you, so much. And that right there, well, I could die right now and not have a single regret."

I blush fiercely. "You know, you were pretty amazing yourself. I have absolutely no regrets giving myself to you, Haymitch." I kiss him and then he slowly pull out of me. I wince at the loss of him.

Once we're both cleaned up and back in bed I curl up to him, my back to his stomach and whisper my good night to him. He kisses my head and pulls me tighter to his chest.

"Goodnight sweetheart." He breathes, and we both drift off into a peaceful sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Note: Hey y'all… just a heads up, my updates may be a bit slower coming for a few weeks. I am a flight attendant and I fly weekends so I can't update Fri-Sun. I do have vacation in a few weeks, though. I really don't have any idea how much longer this will be. I have a vague idea how I want this to go but I guess it all depends on how in depth I go with the story.

Are y'all enjoying the story so far? BTW, there is definitely some MATURE content in this chapter. Actually, it starts immediately. Enjoy!

Chapter 10

I wake up in his arms. I can feel the sun on my face and the warmth of Haymitch behind me. He's tracing slow circles on my stomach. We fell asleep without any clothes on. I'm grateful for this because feeling certain parts of his body against certain parts of mine has put us both in a good mood, apparently. Without turning to him I whisper "Good morning Haymitch."

"Mmmmm, yes it is." He breathes in my ear and then tugs on my ear lobe with his teeth.

As he kisses and nips at my ear and neck his hand that was making the circles slowly slides down my stomach and disappears in between my legs. A lazy moan escapes my lips as I tilt my head back and put my top leg behind me over his legs, opening myself up to him, still on my back. As his left hand continues to dip in and out of me and swirl around his right hand starts to fondle my breasts.

I grind my hips in a steady motion on top of him. This is not enough. I want him in me. I need him in me. I brush his hands off of me, flip onto my stomach on top of him and kiss him, my tongue forcing its way into his mouth. He reacts instantly to my aggressive moves, grabbing my hips painfully; he helps me swing my leg over his hips and positions himself right at my opening.

Abruptly I sit up, stare him straight in the eyes and quickly, painfully, push myself down on him. He forces his hips up in a rough thrust as I come down on him. I scream. I don't stop moving. Desire and primal need is coursing through my veins as I ride him uncontrollably. With my head back and eyes closed I grab my breasts as his fingers squeeze bruises into my hips. I'm moaning so loud I could almost consider them screams. Haymitch grunts and groans as we wildly come together.

As we both near the end we so desperately want he sits up and wraps his arms around me, and starts passionately kissing me. I yank on the back of his hair as I drag my sweaty body up and down his as close as I can and I yell that I'm about to come. He stops kissing me and we look at each other, watching as we both come apart at the seams.

I'm shuddering against him, whimpering, as I come down from my high. Still looking into my eyes, Haymitch gently pushes my hair out of my face and I do the same to him. We sit like that, him still inside of me, as we catch our breath.

"Wow." I manage to say.

"Wow indeed." He answers. "I wouldn't mind waking up like that every day, sweetheart."

I blush and say "Me neither." We kiss and hold each other for a few more minutes then take a shower.

Back in the room I look down at the bed and frown. I hadn't noticed the blood last night in the dark. Wrapping his arms around my waist from behind he rests his chin against my shoulder and says "That's normal. Don't worry about it." I shrug. He kisses my cheek then heads downstairs to start breakfast. I strip the bed to wash the sheets.

We spend the day in the woods, him sleeping against a tree and me hunting. At night we come together, glad we've finally found happiness in each others arms. Weeks go by like this and we slowly begin to be happier. We drink less and talk more. On one outing to the Hob, Haymitch and I walk hand in hand towards where Greasy Sae has her booth set up. We sit down on our usual stools and she serves us up some 'beef stew'.

"So, I see you two are finally going public now." Sae comments as she points towards our joined hands on top of the bar with her eyes and a nod of her heard.

I blush but Haymitch just says "Yes we are." Then he kisses my hand. Greasy Sae drops the subject after that.

Later that evening while we're eating sandwiches for dinner I ask Haymitch "So, what are we now? Boyfriend and girlfriend? That sounds so… juvenile."

He laughs to himself and says "Well, we could call ourselves lovers." I choke on my food.

"Lovers? Really Haymitch? That sounds- naughty." I say.

"It's what we are, Katniss. Are you ashamed to be my lover?" He asks.

"No! Of course not. I love you and I love what we have. It just sounded sort of scandalous." I reply.

"We could always be husband and wife. Would you like that?" He says, barely above a whisper.

I'm stunned into silence. My heart starts racing. Did he just propose to me? Surely he's joking. But no, he isn't. His face is so serious.

"Haymitch, I'm not ready for that. I think one day I'd really love to be your wife, but I'm just getting better. It's only been 8 months. Please, I need a little more time."

His face softens "Of course, sweetheart. Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." I grab his hand and squeeze it and tell him "I'm not going anywhere either. I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart." I can't help but see a small pang of hurt in his eyes. My heart breaks.

It's true, I love him and I think, with him, I could actually consider being married. Though I know I'm definitely not ready for that now. We finish our dinner in silence and when we go to bed, we only hold each other as we fall asleep.

After a few days Haymitch returns to his old self. Good. I hate knowing that my response had hurt him. Prim came to visit us for the weekend. It was good to see her. Mother didn't come.

"I'm really happy that you're happy Katniss. I'll admit, I was shocked at first to hear that you were with Haymitch and mom was livid. But being here with you two, and watching y'all together, I can see how happy y'all make each other."

"Thank you little duck, it means a lot to hear you say that. I never in a million years ever thought I'd be with Haymitch, but he grew on me." I laugh. "He has always been there for me and helped me through everything. I can honestly say I wouldn't have survived the last 3 years without him. Especially this past year. I love him, you know?"

"I know" Prim says. And I'm brought back to that day 6 months ago when we had a similar talk, only I was saying how I had loved Peeta, instead of Haymitch. Sensing my mood change Prim continues "It's ok, Katniss. You can love them both. It's not wrong. Peeta loved you too and he'd want you to be happy, to move on. Loving Haymitch doesn't mean you stopped loving Peeta. And being happy with him doesn't lessen what you had with Peeta, either. Be happy Katniss. Of all the people in Panem, you and Haymitch deserve it the most." I hug her and together we cry.

She leaves Sunday afternoon so she's home before classes on Monday. The nights after she leaves are usually the hardest on me. Only now when I wake up screaming Haymitch is there to comfort me in more intimate and effective ways. His love heals me.

As I fall back asleep in him arms still slick with sweat from our loving I know I'm right where I need to be.

Side note: I realize that the end of this chapter kind of makes it sound like I'm ending the story, but I'm not. So don't worry, for the few that are following this. There will be more!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 11

2 months ago was one year since Peeta died. I'm not going to lie, the month following the anniversary date (I hate calling it that) was pretty rough. One night in particular I ended up more drunk than I've ever been, curled up on the bathroom floor. I wouldn't let Haymitch touch me but I heard him sitting outside the bathroom door the entire time. He, as always, was my rock through the worst of it.

2 weeks ago I finally slept with him again. While I was grieving I couldn't be with him. It just felt too wrong having sex with one man while thinking of another. But when it felt right again we had been in the shower. I just started kissing him and he pushed me against the cold tile wall. I jumped and wrapped my legs around his waist; he thrust quickly and painfully inside of me in the same motion. The pain from being stretched so suddenly after over a month of abstinence quickly evaporated into extreme pleasure. I lasted about 4 thrusts before I was screaming his name and convulsing around him. Haymitch finished very shortly after.

After that shower I realized just how much being with him helped me. I don't mean just the sex, but I'd been emotionally pushing him away as well as physically during my weeks of mourning. I vowed to myself and to him that I'd never push him away like that again.

Right now we're sitting on a train headed to District 4 to visit my mom, Prim, Finnick, Annie, and their newborn son. I haven't seen Prim in 4 months and Finnick and Annie since we were all in 13.

Haymitch grabs my hand "You doing ok sweetheart?"

"Yes, I'm just nervous about seeing my mom. It's been 14 months. And I wonder how she's going to react to us being together." I say and kiss his cheek.

"She already knows that we're together sweetheart. It's been 8 months now."

"I know, I know." I tell him. "I'm still nervous." He chuckles to himself and pulls me into his lap. I kiss him sweetly then rest my head on his shoulder until the train stops in 4.

Wow. I'll never get used to how beautiful it is here. I watch the rolling deep blue ocean as it crashes on the white sand beach. The air smells of salt and sun. It's wonderful. We walk over to mom and Prim's house and set our bags down in the spare room. Mom and Prim are finishing up their shift at the hospital and should be home in an hour. Haymitch and I sit on the couch in the living room and wait for them. I doze off on his chest with his arm around my shoulders. I guess he falls asleep too because I wake to him snoring. I hear movement in the kitchen so I slide out from under Haymitch's arm and go to see who's in there. It's mom.

"Hey mom."

"Oh, you're up. Hi Katniss." she rushes over to hug me. "I didn't want to wake you up."

"It's fine. Where's Prim?" I ask.

"Upstairs studying. How was the train ride? Oh Katniss, I've really missed you." She starts crying. I roll my eyes in my mind. She was mentally gone for years after dad died and never once showed any remorse over it. But after a little over a year of not seeing me and now she's suddenly all emotional. I let her hug me. I really need to let go of the past.

"The train ride was fine, mother. I missed y'all too." I say as she hugs me.

"Here, sit down and I'll get you some tea." She ushers me to the kitchen table.

"So, you're really with Haymitch now?" she asks. Here we go.

"Yes mom. I'm really with Haymitch. For quite some time now too."

She sighs "But he is so much older than you dear."

"So? Mom, I really couldn't care less about his age. There are numerous reasons why I love him and that's just not one of them." I say. I'm starting to get annoyed.

"I just know that you could easily find someone your own age. You don't have to settle Katniss. You're only 19." She pleads and hands me my tea.

"Mom, stop! I am not settling and I don't want anyone else. For the last 3 years Haymitch has been there for me. He's been there more than anyone else in my life." Low blow, I know, but I won't have my mother bashing the man I love. "He's picked up the pieces of my broken life and put me back together. For months after Peeta died I couldn't even feed myself." I'm raising my voice now and she flinched when I mentioned Peeta's name. I did too. "My nightmares woke me every night and I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for him. Literally dead mother. I know you don't approve of our relationship but guess what? I don't care. His is the only opinion I care about." Calming down I say in a quieter tone. "Now mom, I don't want to fight while we're here. Can we move past this?" I ask.

After a moment she says "Yes, we can I'm sorry Katniss. I shouldn't have judged. Haymitch is a great man and I'll be forever grateful to him for caring for you; for loving you."

Halfway through my rant I noticed Haymitch sit a little straighter on the couch. He's probably heard our whole exchange. Good. I wanted him to hear all that, because it's true. I take a sip of tea and say "Mom, I just want you to accept us. We're going to be together either way, but I'd rather not have to choose between you two. I'd hate to lose you, again." My words are harsh even in my soft tone but she needs to understand.

"I know Katniss, I'll try." I cock an eyebrow "I will dear, I really will. Please, it'll just take some getting used to. I grew up with the man and now he's bedding my daughter." She instantly covers her mouth and gasps. She can't believe what she's just said. I chuckle. Then she starts laughing and we're both caught up in the moment.

"Looks like I missed the joke." Haymitch says from the doorway which causes us to laugh harder. I catch his eyes, though, and I see the knowing look in them. I wink at him and I see him relax. He joins us at the table, taking a sip of my tea.

We catch up for a few hours and Prim comes down to join us. While we're talking about life and telling stories and jokes mom and Prim start dinner. Finnick, Annie, and the baby (named Peter) will be joining us. They named him for Peeta but didn't want to use his actual name in case I wanted to should I ever have a son. That was very thoughtful of them.

"So, Katniss, what's it like being with this old drunk?" Finnick asks. "I bet you have to close your eyes the whole time." He laughs.

"FINNICK!" Annie yells.

"Seriously Finnick? My mom and baby sister are here!" I scold.

"I'm 15 now, Katniss. I'm not a little girl anymore." Prim says

"I know little duck, but you'll always be my baby sister." I tell her. She sighs. My mom is studying her plate. Haymitch is glaring at Finnick. 

"You're right. I'm sorry." Finnick apologizes, but still has a smirk across his face.

"Little Peter is so adorable." I tell him and Annie in an effort to change the subject.

"Thank you Katniss." Annie replies. "We just can't get enough of him."

After dinner we talk in the living room for a few hours. Haymitch and I sit next to each other but we make sure we don't touch more than holding hands. No need to send my family into shock. It's not like we were extremely into PDA anyway. We just don't want to start any drama.

We spend the whole day at the beach the next day. It's so picturesque it's hard to believe it's real.

"You're so beautiful sweetheart." Haymitch tells me while he watches me holding Peter. "Whenever, well, if ever, you're ready, I think you'll make a great mom."

"Thank you." I tell him. "I know for a fact that you'll make a great father. You've already had to take care of me." I say. He laughs. I know what I said sounded light and calm but inside I'm freaking out. Kids?! Is he crazy? I can't have kids. No! No no no. I know their futures wouldn't be at risk like mine had been but I couldn't possibly be a mother. I meant what I said about Haymitch being a good father. He would be. But I'd be a horrible mother. I can't even keep myself alive, how could he think I'd be able to keep a child alive? The humidity must be going to his head. That's it. He will come back to his senses when we're back in 12.

Yeah right, keep thinking that Katniss.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 12

We stay another 3 days before we are ready for the peace and quiet of 12. The morning we're leaving I head downstairs for breakfast but stop at the foot of the stairs when I hear my mom and Haymitch in a heated discussion.

"She may not but you could. You could walk away and never look back. She's young and strong. She'd get over you." I hear my mom say. I can't breathe.

"You don't know your daughter at all do you? The way we love each other is not something you can just 'get over'" He spats that last line out dripping with sarcasm.

"You're just being selfish Haymitch. I always knew you were weak. The way you always turned to that bottle." What is wrong with my mother!?

"What was I supposed to do? Snow killed every single last person I loved. And he tried to kill Katniss too, more than once. And you know what? Maybe I am being selfish. I've been alone over 25 years. And now I'm not. And it's so much more than that. She doesn't just fill the void. She heals it. Heals me. She gives me a reason to live. For once in my life since I was reaped I don't wake up praying that God won't wake me the next time I fall asleep. I no longer drink in the hopes that I'll finally kill myself. Now I have something to live for. Her. Your daughter. I love her. I. Love. Her. I will never hurt her. I will never leave her. Not until I die." I'm crying at his words; at his declaration. I don't deserve him. Calmer, he continues "Now you listen here. I'm going to do you a favor. This little talk here, stays between us. I won't tell Katniss what you've said, but only on one condition. You have to stop. Stop trying to break us up. You're only pushing her further away. If one day she chooses to leave me, I promise you I'll let her go. I just want her to be happy. And right now, being with me makes her happy. Can you handle that?" It's silent for a while. I hold my breath.

"Yes. I can do that. I'll leave y'all alone. I can see now it's a lost cause anyway. I still don't like you Haymitch. I don't like that you are with her. You don't deserve her." My mom says with venom in her voice.

"I know. I never will." I barely hear him whisper. I'm going to be sick.

As quickly and quietly as I can I rush upstairs to the bathroom and vomit. When I'm done I brush my teeth and head downstairs loudly so they can hear me coming. Prim is at school already. Good. She didn't need to hear that. And we said our goodbyes last night. I decided that I won't bring anything up until Haymitch and I are alone on the train.

Tension is thick in the air as we eat but I pretend to not notice. I hug and kiss my mom goodbye at the train station. I don't know when I'll be ready to see her again. Years from now.

On the train Haymitch and I sit in chairs facing backwards so we can watch the receding horizon. We slip further and further from District 4 and closer to home.

After a while I get up and straddle him. He looks briefly shocked then gives me a cocky grin. "Hard to keep your hands off me, huh sweetheart?" His ego is entirely too large.

"Of course it is. You're just too damn sexy." I joke and then kiss him. His hands reach around to grab onto my butt. My fingers curl into his hair as our tongues dance a seductive dance. I pull away. I need to say to him what I want to before I get carried away.

He gives me a quizzical look as I lean back to look into his eyes. I smile a small smile and briefly rub my nose to his. "I heard you this morning. You and mom." I tell him.

"Shit" he curses. "You weren't supposed to sweetheart."

"I know." I say softly, looking down. He grabs my chin and forces me to look up.

"I meant every word I said. Every. Single. Word." He is gripping my chin pretty hard right now.

"I never doubted you Haymitch. It's my mom that upset me. I thought after that discussion she and I had when we first got into town had settled everything. Apparently not." I say. He lets go of my chin, resting his hands on my hips.

"I guess she just wanted to see if she could break me."

"I'm glad she didn't." I say

"She never could." He says then kisses me.

Once we're home we fall back into our old routine. Me hunting, him napping under our tree, walking through town. Mostly being alone together.

A few days after we got back home I woke up feeling off. Maybe the squirrel last night was bad.

"Haymitch, how do you feel?"

"I feel fine sweetheart. Why do you ask?"

"Huh, I'm not feeling well and I thought it might be because of dinner last night, but if you're ok then I don't know." I take a bite of my eggs. Ugh. This doesn't taste good at all. "Haymitch, try my eggs. I think they're bad."

He cocks an eyebrow in question but takes a bite anyway. "They taste fine to me." He says with a mouth full of egg.

Oh no! I'm not going to make it. I jump up from the table and run to the bathroom. I throw up everything I've eaten in the last week I think. Even after my stomach is empty I continue to dry heave. Haymitch comes in halfway through my festivities and holds my hair back for me. Once I'm done I'm very weak. I rinse my mouth out and start the shower. I strip down then turn and start taking his clothes off.

"Uh, sweetheart. As much as I enjoy having sex with you maybe now is not the best time." He stumbles through his words.

"Shut up. I just want you to hold me in the shower. You can leave your clothes on if you'd prefer." I say.

"Oh, ok. Here, I'll get it." He says and starts undressing himself.

I walk into the large shower and let the hot water run over my back. Once Haymitch joins me I sit down on the tile floor, pulling him down with me. We sit like that, me in his lap and the water pouring over us, for a long time. After a while I start to feel better.

"I'm feeling much better now." I say to him and then kiss him. I stand up and begin washing myself. He follows suit.

Once we're out of the shower and dressed I start to head downstairs but Haymitch stops me.

"Maybe you should lie down for a while, sweetheart. I don't want you getting sick again."

I roll my eyes. "I feel fine Haymitch, honestly." I argue petulantly.

"Please, for me Katniss?" he asks again.

I huff "Oh alright." Whatever. "Will you lay with me though?" I flutter my eyelashes.

He smirks "What? Can't stand to be away from me for a minute can you?" he teases.

"Shut up Haymitch and get into bed." I scold.

"You don't have to tell me twice." He jokes

We nap off and on all day. We talk and tell jokes and make love twice. All in all it's a great day. Early in the evening, though, I really need to get up and move around a bit. I arch my back on the bed and stretch. Ouch! I feel a sharp tug low in my stomach. What was that? I stand up, absentmindedly rubbing my stomach, and walk downstairs where I hear Haymitch clanking around.

"Hey sweetheart, are you hungry?" he asks when I walk into the kitchen.

"Yes, I am." I answer.

"Sit down, love. I'll make you dinner." He says lovingly. He really is a great man.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 13

A few weeks later I'm getting dressed to go hunting and Haymitch is laying on the bed, waiting for me. I'm trying to get my pants on but they don't fit. What?

"Haymitch, I've got to stop eating so much. I've gained weight and now my pants don't fit." I complain.

"I rather enjoy the few extra pounds you've put on. Your breasts are bigger, too." He teases.

"Haymitch! I'm serious. I'm getting fat."

"You're not fat sweetheart, you're healthy. Finally. You've been underweight for so long now you don't even recognize healthy. I can still see your ribs, but I like that I can't count them anymore. Looks like the weight is mainly going to your boobs and hips, though." He tries to soothe my hurt feelings.

"Whatever." I tell him. I find a pair of pants that fit loosely. Well, they used to at least.

We head out to the woods and I kill 2 turkeys, 4 squirrels, and 2 rabbits. We stop at the Hob on the way home and have a bowl of Greasy Sae's stew for dinner, giving her all of our game except 2 squirrels and 1 turkey.

"Mmmm. Good as always." Haymitch tells Sae.

I try a bite, then another. Oh no, not again. I think my stomach can't handle wild game like it once could. I'm getting sick almost every morning now. I'm starting to worry. I don't tell Haymitch most days, I don't want him to worry. But today I can't hide it from him. I jump off my stool and rush to the nearest bush and puke. When I get back I apologize to Greasy Sae profusely. She just raises her eyebrows at me and tells me not to worry about it.

I notice Haymitch has gotten very quiet all of a sudden. I look at him. "Are you ok?" I ask. He just shakes his head but by the look he gives me I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it here. What's that about? He throws down some coins, way more than Greasy Sae charges, and grabs my hand and starts dragging me towards home.

"What the hell Haymitch? Stop, you're hurting me." I complain. He loosens his grip on my hand and slows down, barely. "What's wrong?" I ask him again.

"Not here Katniss." he says with a slight edge of panic in his voice. Now I'm really worried. I don't say anything else until we get home.

Haymitch storms through the front door, dragging me in behind him. He slams the door then pushes me hard against it, kissing me roughly but briefly. Then he grabs my hand and walks me to the couch.

"Sorry about the kiss, I hope I didn't hurt you. I just needed to calm down." He says as he sits us down. I know how he feels. When things start to jumble up in my head or spinning out of control, kissing him or touching him or having sex with him brings me back to reality.

"Will you please tell me what's going on Haymitch? You're really starting to freak me out." I say.

"While you were, uh, fertilizing the bushes, Sae asked me if you were ok. I told her that you'd been getting sick like that damn near every day now." He takes a shaky breath to calm himself. "She said something to me that I really should have concluded myself a long while ago." Why is he being so vague? Just spit it out already!

"Are you going to tell me what's up or do I need to beat it out of you?" I say exasperated.

"Katniss, sweetheart," he starts "when was your last period?"

What? Why is he asking me this? He's never cared before. "I don't know. I've never been regular." I say. When I was younger and starving I had, maybe, three a year. After my first games they came slightly more often because I was better fed but the stress of Snow and another Games and then the rebellion I was lucky to get four or five a year.

"Sweetheart, I think you might be pregnant." He whispers.

I laugh. Yeah right. Me, pregnant? He must be off his rocker. But then I see that he isn't joking. He's very serious. "What?" I ask him.

"I think you're pregnant. It makes sense. You throwing up all the time, your clothes getting too tight, your growing bust." I blush. "I didn't even think about this happening. I didn't think, after all the drinking I've done the past 26 years that I could still, you know, procreate." I start to freak out.

Panic is starting to set in. We never prevented this from happening; never used protection. What did I expect to happen? "Haymitch! What do we do? I can't be pregnant. No, I'm not. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this that isn't pregnancy." I can't be a mother. I don't want to be one. Do I? I think I'm going to be sick. I run to the bathroom and dry heave. There's nothing left to throw up after my episode at the Hob.

Haymitch comes in to the bathroom and after I've rinsed out my mouth pulls me into a hug. I start crying. He's stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head.

"Let's go lay down upstairs sweetheart." He says. I follow him on up, my hand lightly resting on my tummy. Could there really be a baby in there?

We lay down and I put my head on his chest, his arms are wrapped around me.

"What do we do now?" I ask.

"We'll go to the doctors tomorrow and get it confirmed, either way, and go from there. Don't worry sweetheart. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. I love you." His words are comforting. I lean up and kiss him then curl back up on his chest and fall asleep.

**A/N: Sorry this chapter is shorter. I thought this was a good ending point though. Do y'all like where this is headed?!**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Sorry y'all… I think my Texan is showing in this chapter.

Chapter 14

Considering yesterday's revelation I sleep pretty well. I wake up in exactly the same place on Haymitch's chest where I fell asleep. I smile to myself then look up to see him looking down at me with a sad look on his face. Then I remember.

As if on cue, my stomach flips and I stumble out of bed and rush to the toilet. After I brush my teeth I come back into the room and see Haymitch sitting at the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. I sit down next to him and sigh.

He looks up at me and says "I meant what I said last night. I'm not going anywhere sweetheart. We're in this together, ok?"

I nod "Ok." He grabs my hand and kisses it. "Let's get dressed and go to the doctors. We can eat afterwards. I don't want either of us getting sick." He says. I chuckle. I'm so nervous.

We dress silently and I pay closer attention to my body as I pull on the last pair of pants that still fit. There is a slight rounding in between my hips, but it's nothing you'd be able to see when I have clothes on. I catch Haymitch watching me dress and before he realizes he's been caught I see a look of quiet happiness on his face. But then he looks up to my face and all traces of emotion disappear. I realize that we're probably too late to even consider if we want this or not. I'm pretty sure I'm already pregnant. It makes sense considering all my symptoms; so wrapping my head around it is my only option. I hadn't yet considered being happy yet, but seeing the look on Haymitch's face has me thinking otherwise.

Could he really be happy having a baby with me? I know he loves me, but we've never discussed our future or whether or not we wanted kids. As we head downstairs and out the door I think about it. He's never once said he's wanted a child of his own, but he hasn't said he didn't want one either. Maybe he never thought about it because he never had anyone he loved to have a baby with. Well, he does now.

I thought about it once, on the beach during the Quarter Quell. I was pretending to be pregnant anyway so I considered it briefly. Peeta's child. I'll admit the thought made me happy until I remembered any child of mine would be reaped. But now, that will never happen. I'd already started thinking about marrying Haymitch. It's been 8 months since he brought it up at the kitchen table. I suppose having a baby would have been the natural next step. This is a little out of order but when have I ever done things the right way?

We arrive at the doctors and stop right outside the door. Still holding hands from our walk over he looks at me.

"Are you ready sweetheart?" he asks. "As I'll ever be." I reply.

We take shaky breaths, grip each others hands a little tighter, and walk through the door. A cheery receptionist greets us.

"Good morning. Do y'all have an appointment?" she asks.

Damn, I didn't thing about that. "Uh, no, sorry we didn't –" I say but she cuts me off.

Smiling she says "It's ok. Don't worry about it. Dr. Rideaux had a cancelation this morning so you're in luck. Just fill this paperwork out, Miss Everdeen, and the doctor will be right with you."

I take the clipboard and pen and we walk to the empty chairs against the wall.

"How did she know my name?" I whisper to Haymitch.

He chuckles and says "You're the Mockingjay and survivor of 2 Hunger Games, sweetheart. Everyone in Panem knows your name."

"Oh, right. I guess I'm still not used to that." I sigh. I fill out the basic questions but we're called back before I can finish.

"Miss Everdeen, Mr. Abernathy, Dr. Rideaux is ready to see y'all." A nurse calls from the door across the room.

She leads us down the hall into an office and asks us to sit in the 2 chairs in front of the desk. "He'll be right in." She says as she closes the door.

I grab Haymitch's hand and look into his eyes. The door opens and a somewhat handsome, dark haired, middle aged man walks in.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Giles Rideaux." He says holding his hand out towards Haymitch and me. We stand.

We shake his hand and Haymitch says "I'm Haymitch and this is Katniss." I nod my head shyly at him when he takes my hand. He gestures towards the chairs and we reclaim our seats. He settles in his chair behind the desk.

Crossing his hands on top of his desk he looks between the two of us and says "What can I do for you two today?"

I look nervously at Haymitch then back at Dr. Rideaux "Um, well, I uh… you see…" I stammer.

"We think we may be pregnant." Haymitch says calmly. My mentor comes to my rescue. How is he not freaking out right now?

"Ah, I see." Says the good doctor, "And what brought y'all to this conclusion?"

I find some courage to answer his question "I can't remember when I last had my period. I've never been regular you see. I've also been getting sick most mornings and just this morning I noticed a slight bump or rounding of my stomach between my hips." I let out a shaky breath.

Dr. Rideaux is taking notes as I talk. He looks up and asks "How long have y'all been having unprotected sex?" I blush fiercely and look down.

"Since we first got together over 8 months ago." Haymitch says and reaches for my hand. "I didn't think, after all my drinking, that this could be a possibility. I didn't know, I would have been… more careful." He adds.

Writing, Dr. Rideaux nods. "Alright, first things first." He reaches into a drawer and pulls out a cup with a lid screwed on it and writes 'Everdeen' on it then hands it to me. "Please fill this to the line and we'll do a pregnancy test. The restroom is out the door and to the right." I nod, take the cup and head out.

When I'm done the nurse is waiting outside the door. "I'll take that." She says with a smile. I smile back.

I head back to Dr. Rideaux's office and hear him and Haymitch talking. I wait outside the door listening.

"If she is, and I'm pretty sure she is, could my drinking have affected the baby in a negative way?" Haymitch asks. I hold my breath waiting for a response.

"It's not likely. She's young and healthy. I have every reason to believe that any child she conceives would be just as healthy." The doctor responds. I let my breath out in relief and walk in.

"It should be just a few more moments then Pauline should be back with your results. If you're pregnant we'll do an ultrasound, if not, we'll go from there." Dr. Rideaux states.

At once the nurse, Pauline I suppose, comes in with a straight face and hands the doctor a manila folder. "Thank you, Pauline." He says. "Doctor." She replies and nods her head.

He opens the folder and reads. I grab Haymitch's hand and squeeze tightly. He strokes his thumb over my knuckles and whispers "No matter what." to me. I can barely hear him over the sound of my pounding heart.

"Well," Dr. Rideaux says and looks up at us. "Congratulations. You are pregnant Miss Everdeen, Mr. Abernathy." I inhale sharply. I look at Haymitch, he is smiling at the doctor. He looks at my frightened face and his smile fades.

"It's ok sweetheart. We're in this together." He says. I can only nod. I'm in shock.

I am pregnant. Pregnant. There is a baby inside of me. My baby. Haymitch's baby. Our baby. Ours.

"Let's go into the examining room and have a looksee at y'alls baby. We'll see how far along you are, determine a due date, and then discuss where we go from here." Dr. Rideaux says.

I stand up on weak legs. Haymitch wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me. He smiles down at me and says "This is a good thing, love. We're going to be just fine. Trust me sweetheart. Ok?" he asks.

I nod "Ok." I answer and I kiss him again. I feel a little calmer with my lips pressed against his.

We head down the hall to exam room 2 and walk in. I see the table where I'll lie down and a big machine with a TV monitor on it. I've seen one before in the Capitol when they were searching for internal injuries on a fellow hospital mate.

"Are you ready, Miss Everdeen?" Dr. Rideaux asks.

Repeating my earlier words to Haymitch I reply "As I'll ever be."


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 15

I'm laying down on the inclined table with my shirt pulled up to my chest and the top of my pants undone. I'm starting to hyperventilate.

"Sweetheart, calm down. It's ok. Just breathe." Haymitch tells me. I stare into his eyes and start to calm down. He kisses me. Everything else melts away. All I think about is his lips on mine. I love him. He pulls back just far enough to look into my eyes again. "I know, it's a lot. When we leave here we'll go home and talk it all out." I nod. He kisses my forehead then stands up straight so the doctor can begin.

"Alright Miss Everdeen, I'm going to put some gel on your stomach so we can see your baby. It'll be cold, sorry." Dr. Rideaux says. I can only nod.

Woah! It is cold. I gasp as he squeezes a large amount of gel on my lower stomach. Haymitch grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I let out the breath I was unaware I was holding. Dr. Rideaux presses the wand onto my stomach, spreading the get around. Immediately the monitor comes to life.

He moves around pressing down firmly until he finds what he's looking for.

"Ahhh, there's your baby. Huh, you're much farther along than I was expecting." He says.

Haymitch and I look at each other then back at Dr. Rideaux.

"How far along is she? Can't be too far, she's not even showing yet." Haymitch says.

"She's about 15 weeks right now." He says.

"What?!" I gasp. 15 weeks! How could I not know for 4 months that I was pregnant?

"Yup, I'd estimate your due date to be around March 10th of next year."

It's already October. That means I barely have 4 months left before I'll be a mother. I zone out. Dr. Rideaux continues with his exam. I think I hear him say that everything looks good. Baby is measuring right on track. Haymitch says things. The doctor responds.

"Sweetheart? Sweetheart, can you hear me? Please come back to me." I look up at Haymitch, searching his eyes. "Look sweetheart, there's our child; our sweet baby." I follow his gaze to the monitor and my heart skips a beat.

"Oh Haymitch." I mutter as I begin to cry. My baby. Our baby. Look at our little baby. I watch it fidget around and then I gasp.

"What? Is everything ok?" Haymitch frets.

"I felt it. I felt it move. That was so strange and amazing. Was that really the baby I felt?" I ask Dr. Rideaux.

"Yes Katniss, it was. It's still early but I am about 95% sure of the sex of y'alls baby. Would y'all like to know?" he asks.

Haymitch and I look at each other and say "Yes" at the same time.

"Congratulations, it's a girl." He says with a big smile on his face.

The rest of the appointment goes by in a blur. Dr. Rideaux gives us a few printed pictures of our daughter. He gives me a prescription for some prenatal vitamins and we schedule my 20 week appointment for five weeks from now. Halfway.

Haymitch and I walk back home and in hand. When we get inside we go and sit on the couch. For a while we just sit there staring at the pictures.

"I still can't believe I'm pregnant." I say. "Haymitch, I'm freaking out inside. What will we do? Do you even want this? I'm so sorry I got pregnant. You don't have to stay with me if you don't want to. Not just because I'm having a baby." I stammer.

"Shut up Katniss. I'm not going anywhere, I already told you that. Now listen here sweetheart," he says turning to face me on the couch. Grabbing both of my hands he continues. "I love you. You hear me? I love you and we are in this together. That's my daughter in there too."

"Ok, I know. You're right, I'm sorry." I say. "Haymitch, I was thinking… well, I have been thing about it for a while now but with everything that's happened I know I'm sure with my decision."

"Spit it out sweetheart."

"I'm ready now. I want to marry you." I say shyly.

His face splits into a huge grin. "Really? You want to marry me?" he asks almost giddily.

I nod. "Yes, love, I do. I want to marry you."

"I didn't think this day could get any better." He jumps up, picks me up and spins me around laughing and kissing me. He sets me down on my feet. "Sweetheart," he says seriously, looking into my eyes. "I have loved you for such a long time. Longer than you can imagine. I never envisioned a life with you in it as more than friends. Not because I didn't want it but because I knew you belonged with him. When he… when we lost him I thought I was going to lose you too. And I almost did." He says and strokes his thumbs over the scars I made on my wrists. A tear falls down my cheek. "When we first kissed, Katniss, I could have died a happy man right then. I still never believed or even dreamed that I could have you in my life as my lover, let alone my wife and mother to my child. And now I have it all. I have everything I never even thought to dream of. You've agreed to be my wife and have given me a child all in the same day. You've made me the happiest man alive sweetheart and I vow to you this day that I will spend every last moment of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me." He kisses me gently then pulls me to him in a hug.

We stand there hugging for some time until my stomach growls loudly.

"Let's go feed my two girls." He says kissing the top of my head and leads us towards the kitchen.

After a deliciously large breakfast we make a few phone calls. Mom is very quiet but manages to mutter a 'Congratulations' to us. Prim, on the other hand, squeals with excitement. I can hear her jumping up and down on the other end of the line. Annie and Finnick were very happy to hear our new as well.

After we get off the phone with them I tell Haymitch that's enough for one day. He nods in agreement and grabs my hand, leading me upstairs.

"It's way too early for bed, what are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm going to start showing you my gratitude right now." He says, winking at me.

We get into the room and strip down. Before I lay down on the bed he stops me. He drops to his knees in front of me, placing his hands on my hips. He presses soft kisses all over my stomach then he starts to talk to it.

"Hi sweet baby, it's your daddy. I love you more than life itself already. Did you know that? I can't wait to meet you baby girl." He's lightly rubbing his lips back and forth over my stomach. I feel a fluttering. I jolt. His eyes shoot up to me. "Did she move?" he asks.

"Yes, did you feel it?" I ask.

Shaking his head he says "No, I didn't. Soon enough though. Dr. Rideaux said she's still too small for me to feel her on the outside."

"Oh." Is all I can manage. He must have said that while I was zoned out.

He places one more kiss to where our daughter is and then stands again. He takes my face into his hands and says "Thank you so much sweetheart." Then he kisses me deeply.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 16

My hands move up to his shoulders and one of his moves into my hair while the other slides down to the small of my back. He pulls our naked bodies together, letting me feel his erection pressed against my hip. Gosh, I want him. I break away from our kiss and push him back down on the bed. He cocks an eyebrow but doesn't say anything. I jerk my head up in a nod, indicating that I want him to scoot farther up the bed. He obliges.

I lick my lips as I slowly start climbing on the bed between his legs. A knowing look crosses his face and he lies back with his hands behind his head and smirks at me.

"Getting comfortable?" I ask him, mischief in my eyes. "Mmmm" is all I get as a response.

I stop when I get to where I'm going and look down. He is very happy to see me right now. I smile then look up at him through my lashes as I slowly lower myself towards my prize. I grab him in my hand and give him a little lick on the tip. He inhales sharply through his teeth. I smile big then put him into my mouth. I look up as he moans, closing his eyes, and his hips flex forward, pushing himself deeper into my mouth.

I work at a steady pace sucking and pushing him as deep into my mouth as I can stand. When I come up I swirl my tongue around the head and suck solely on the top, shielding my teeth with my lips. His breathing becomes ragged as I suck harder and faster.

"Christ Katniss, you're going to make me come." he grunts through gritted teeth, his hands digging into my shoulders. 'Good' I think to myself.

I start pulling all of him into my mouth again and suck and bob my head at a merciless pace. Haymitch curses and moans loudly as I feel him release down my throat. I don't stop until I've sucked everything out of him and I feel him relax under my hands.

He's breathing heavily as I sit back on my heels and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Slowly, he opens his eyes and we look at each other.

"You're incredible sweetheart." He tells me and I blush.

"Hush, don't ruin the moment." I playfully scold him.

"Then how about I enhance it." He growls at me, sits up, and then swiftly flips me on my back. I squeal with excitement and anticipation. I know what he's going to do and I can't wait.

He doesn't waste any time. His head descends between my legs before my head even hits the pillow. He works his magic quickly bringing me to the brink with his tongue and lips. He sucks hard as I spasm under his mouth in a quick and earth shattering orgasm. A strangled scream rips out of mouth. Before I can even recover he's hovering over me and slamming quickly and roughly into me. I scream again. He's pounding into me at an alarming rate. I feel like he's going to break me into a million pieces. He's towing the line between pleasure and pain.

My body is so confused. I am moaning wildly, screaming out his name as he assaults my senses with a level of pleasure it's never experienced. I look up into his hungry eyes and he stares back with nothing but primal need.

Right as I think I can't take any more I burst into flames with an orgasm so violent that my vision goes black around the edges. Seconds later he follows with his own release. I hear him heaving heavy ragged breaths over me. I pass out.

Haymitch is panicking. That's the first thing I register.

"OOhhhhaaahhhhh…" I groan to let him know that I've regained consciousness.

"Katniss, sweetheart. Oh god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok? Please sweetheart, do you forgive me?" he is really freaking out.

I stay silent for a moment as I focus on my body. It feels sore and more relaxed than I think it's ever been. I smile.

As I open my eyes to his face right in front of me I lean up to kiss him. "Are you ok?" he repeats.

"Mmmm, yes. I am more than ok. I am blissfully happy. I don't know what you did to me but I have never felt so good in my life Haymitch. You will definitely be doing that to me again soon." I say

He looks horrified. "I most certainly will not be losing control like that again." I pout. "You passed out Katniss." he argues.

"Yeah, from the extreme amount of pleasure you gave me. That's not a bad thing." I say.

"No, not while you're pregnant at least. Christ Katniss, you really scared me. I thought I'd killed you." He says. I laugh.

"You thought you killed me from sex? You're good Haymitch, but not that damn good. But seriously, that was amazing." I smile and grab his hand.

"I don't know what came over me. I couldn't even stop myself." He rubs his free hand over my lower abdomen. "How's the baby?"

I want to joke and say 'knocked unconscious too' but I have a feeling he won't appreciate that right now so I settle for "Stop worrying. I'm ok and the baby is ok. I felt her fluttering when you were rubbing over her." He leans down and starts whispering apologies to her over and over. I roll my eyes but let him calm himself down as I bask in the afterglow of our rough but satisfying sex.

The rest of the day is pretty low keyed. But it's already late afternoon so there isn't much day left. Haymitch seems afraid to touch me. I punch his arm.

"Owww, what was that for?" he complains, rubbing where I hit him.

"Stop avoiding my touch. You're not going to break me." I tell him. He says ok and hugs me.

That night in bed before we fall asleep he slips something on my left ring finger. I look down at the thin gold band with beautiful filigree all around it and my breath hitches.

"Haymitch?" I ask looking up at him.

He looks at me and says "It was my mothers. I love you sweetheart, more than my life. I want to love and take care of you and our daughter for all the days of my life. Will you marry me?" his voice is barely a whisper now.

"Yes, I'll marry you." I start to cry as he kisses me. I look down at the ring but my vision is blurred by tears.

I curl up on my side and he holds me from behind, resting his hand protectively on my stomach. I feel our daughter moving. "Your daughter is happy. She's squirming around right now." I tell Haymitch sleepily.

"Good night sweet girl." He says softly, rubbing my belly "Good night to you too my love." He whispers in my ear then kisses my neck.

My dreams are of a dark haired, grey eyed little girl who looks just like her daddy but acts just like her momma. I am in love with her already.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

A/N: I hope y'all enjoyed the happy place they've been lately. All y'all know that this couple can't stay happy for long. Don't worry, the pain is short lived. I'm no good at dark writing.

Chapter 17

The next few weeks went by pretty uneventfully. I started showing more, but with the new and larger clothes I bought it still isn't very noticeable. It just looks kind of like I had a really big meal that won't ever digest. The morning sickness is gone, thankfully. I'm 18 weeks now.

The reality of our situation is finally starting to sink in and I'm slowly slipping away. Haymitch hasn't really noticed yet. The day after we found out about the baby he started clearing out the room closest to ours for her nursery. I don't help him. I spend most of my days in a trance slowly going though each room giving it a thorough and deep cleaning.

Thoughts of Peeta are in the forefront of my mind always. As I rub my belly I can't help but think of what could have been; what should have been. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with Haymitch and I absolutely want to marry him. I'm glad this baby is his. But in another lifetime she would have been Peeta's.

Tears prick the back of my eyes as I feel her squirm inside of me. "Oh sweet girl, what have I done? I'm no good for you. Your daddy and I are too broken to give you the happy life you deserve. You need him. You need Peeta and his light. We're too dark without him. He should be the one raising you, not me. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so so sorry." I'm crying now.

I slowly sink to the floor crying. I curl into a ball around my stomach and let the sadness overwhelm me.

Not too long after Haymitch walks in and finds me. He immediately picks me up and carries me to bed. He starts stroking my hair and talks to me softly hoping to get a response from me. He's too late, I'm already gone.

I do manage to let one strangled word pass my lips before I slip into my conscious coma. "Peeta." And then terrible sobs wrack my body. I noticed the tensing of his arms as he held me and his sudden intake of breath. He continues to rock and hold me but I can tell he's leaving too. He's going to his place that is cold and shut off from the rest of the world.

We don't leave the bed for the rest of the day. That night Haymitch feeds me and then cracks open on of the bottles that's gathered dust on the shelf from lack of use. I don't notice him fall into bed late the next morning. I don't notice anything. I'm too far gone.

Days slip by unnoticed. He feeds me in between bottles of liquor. He and I didn't shower for at least a week. The weight of everything that used to consume us has crashed down on top of us making living barely possible. The sweet reprieve we experienced is long gone. In its place is cold dark sadness and grief and it's gripping us like a vice, a noose around our necks. Our daughter is the only think keeping us from kicking the chair out from under ourselves.

We are so stupid. Why did we think we could be happy? Why did we think we had gotten past our demons? We'll never be happy. Not truly, not ever. And selfishly we got pregnant. No, she wasn't planned but we didn't try to prevent conceiving her either. We are horrible, despicable people.

One day I hear the phone ring. Of course we don't answer it. I'm gone and Haymitch is passed out drunk somewhere. Somehow I manage enough focus to hear the message being left.

"Hello Miss Everdeen, this is nurse Pauline calling from Dr. Rideaux's office. You missed your appointment. I hope everything is ok. Please call us back to reschedule your appointment." Click.

2 weeks already? I hadn't realized so much time had passed since I realized I didn't deserve any of the happiness in my life.

More days pass. I don't know how many. I shower today. Well, I sit on the tile floor letting very warm water wash over me. Haymitch comes in the bathroom to relieve himself. When he's done he joins me. We don't talk. Sometimes we manage this, when we are so starved for human touch. He washes my hair. I can't even return the favor. I just look at him. He looks back. He never looks at my stomach. Never touches it. I need him to, so bad. We sit there like that until long after the water has turned cold. I get up and get out.

After I'm dry I start to dress. I get my shirt and pants on and then I'm hit by a pain so intense it takes my breath away. I cry out and fall to my knees. Haymitch doesn't come. I'm panting through the pain. Gosh, it hurts so badly.

It stops. I stay on my knees trying to catch my breath. I hear the water turn off. I'm just about to stand up when the pain starts again. I grit my teeth as the pain rips across my stomach and wraps around my back. I've got tears pouring down my face. I can't take it anymore and I scream out in agony.

This time Haymitch does come. He runs in the room completely naked and drops down beside me. He's frantically asking questions. I ignore him until the pain ebbs.

"Our baby" is all I manage to whimper as I breathe through the aftershocks of the pain. He is up and throwing on clothes and shoes before I can blink. As the pain recedes it leaves behind something else. I run to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before I vomit. I haven't eaten much in the past few weeks so not much comes out. As soon as I'm done Haymitch hands me a glass of water and wipes my face and neck with a damp rag.

After I take a sip he slams the glass down, almost breaking it, and scoops me up. He half sprints down the stairs, out the door, and down the street.

"Where are you taking me?" I ask not upset.

"Hospital." He puffs. I start to protest when another pain shoots through me. I feel like I'm being ripped in two. Haymitch picks up the pace.

He runs straight through the doors of the hospital and yells "Help! My fiancée, our baby…" he can't manage much more of a description because he's so out of breath, but he doesn't need to. Two nurses rush to us, one with a wheelchair which he places me in. My breaths are coming in short bursts as I try to recover from the last round of agony.

"Miss Everdeen, how far along are you?" Nurse 1 asks. "20 or 21 weeks" I pant

"Too early." I hear Nurse 2 mutter under her breath. They rush me into a room and help me onto the bed. Nurse 2 pulls up my shirt and wraps two stretchy belts around me that hold two little round monitor things in place. The monitors have cords that are attached to a large machine.

"These are to monitor your baby's heartbeat and your contractions." Nurse 2 says.

Contractions? Don't those only come when the baby is coming? Oh no! What have I done? It's too soon, she won't make it. I've killed her!

Another contraction hits me like a freight train. Nurse 1 sticks an IV bag in my arm then tapes it to my skin so it won't fall out. She injects something into it then attaches a bag of clear liquid.

"I gave you some medicine to stop the contractions and a bag of fluids. You look dehydrated. Please rest and we'll go get Dr. Rideaux." Nurse 1 tells me.

"Haymitch?" I ask.

"We'll send him in." Nurse 2 says on her way out.

While I wait for him I have another contraction. It's still quite painful but I feel the medicine working. The blinding pain has been replaced by something slightly less agonizing.

He rushes in looking more sober than I've seen him in weeks.

"Sweetheart, are you ok?" He asks. I nod, not trusting my voice. I know I'm on the verge of tears. He places both of his hands on my stomach and kisses where our baby is. The dam bursts. I start crying. Hard.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 18

Haymitch sits on the bed and pulls my head to his chest as we both cry. Nurse 1 starts to walk in but steps back out when she sees us.

After a long while I pull back and grab his face and kiss him. Oh how I missed these lips.

"I'm sorry Haymitch. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt her. I love you. I'm so so sorry." I blubber.

"Shhh shh shh shh sweetheart. It's ok. She's going to be ok. We're in the hospital. The doctors won't let anything happen to our girl; to either of y'all. I love you, both of you. Everything will be fine." He comforts me.

I feel my stomach tighten but it doesn't hurt, it's mostly just uncomfortable. That's a good sign. I feel her move and put Haymitch's hands where he could feel her.

"Was that, is that? Was that her? Was that our daughter kicking?" he asks with a big smile on his face. I nod, smiling too. I realize at that moment that this is the first time he's ever felt her move. My heart swells with love and pride as I watch the wonder and joy on his face.

We sit there with his hands on my rounded stomach for a few minutes feeling our baby kick and move around inside me.

Haymitch looks up into my eyes, his full of tears. "I'm sorry Katniss. I'm sorry I let you slip away. That night, I knew what was happening. I knew you were leaving me again and I didn't even try to stop you. I just joined you. I failed you. You need me and our baby needs me and I just let you slip away as I fell into my bottles. That won't happen again, ever. I promise. It took almost losing my unborn child to make me finally realize that I need you and her more than I need the drink." He has tears falling down his cheeks.

"Haymitch, it wasn't your fault. I didn't think I deserved her. I thought I'd be a bad mother. I proved myself right by neglecting myself and putting her life in danger. She deserves so much better. I promise I'll never neglect her like that again. You two are my world. As much as I love you Haymitch, I know for a fact that I couldn't go on living if we lost her because of me." I'm crying now, too.

"Hush. Don't talk like that. You're a wonderful, caring person Katniss and you're going to make a wonderful mom. You took care of your mom and sister from the time you were 11 and now you take care of me. I love you so much. I still can't believe you chose me. You don't have any sense in that pretty little head of yours. But you're stuck now. I'll never let you go. Especially now that you're giving me the second greatest thing I never thought to even dream for." He says, resting his hands back on my stomach at his last statement.

"Second? What's the first greatest thing?" I ask perplexed.

"You, silly." He says and then kisses my nose.

The nurse walks in. "How are you feeling Miss Everdeen?" she asks.

"Much better thank you. The contractions have stopped." I say. She looks at the paper coming out of the machine I'm hooked up to.

"Yes, I can see they stopped about 15 minutes ago. I'll go get Dr. Rideaux now." And she leaves.

Haymitch sits in the chair next to my bed and grabs my hand, squeezing it. Dr. Rideaux enters with a stern look on his face.

"Miss Everdeen, I'm very disappointed in you." Uh oh "You are extremely dehydrated and you've lost weight since our last visit. The exact opposite of what you should be doing. And to top it all off, you are over a week late for your 20 week apt. What is going on? And where were you Mr. Abernathy? You should be taking care of her. She is carrying _your_ child." Dr. Rideaux is fuming.

"I'm sorry I-" I start but I'm cut off.

"Sorry won't cut it. You. Are. Pregnant. Do you know what that _means_? That means it's no longer just about you. You are the only person in this world who can care for your baby right now. You are all she has. I know of your history. I've spoken with Dr. Aurielus. I know you both struggle with depression but I'm telling you right now, both of you, get over it. Do you hear me? Y'all are two adults who are going to have a baby in roughly 18 weeks. Stop wallowing and be responsible." He finishes.

"Yes sir." Both Haymitch and I say at the same time.

"We're sorry." Haymitch adds "It won't happen again."

"It better not." Dr. Rideaux says. "Now Miss Everdeen, how are you feeling now?"

"Much better thank you. The contractions have stopped and I'm actually quite sore." I say.

"I would imagine so." He scolds. I blush.

"I'll have the nurse send for some food. Now, please get some rest. Unless anything happens, I'll be back to see you in the morning. Behave yourself now." He warns. I nod.

The nurse brings enough food to feed 4 adults but Haymitch and I manage to eat it all. Afterwards he lies in bed next to me, holding me, and we sleep peacefully and without dreams.

The next afternoon they discharge me with a folder full of strict instructions to keep myself properly fed and hydrated. I have a follow up appointment in 3 weeks that I am not allowed to miss.

At home eating dinner that evening I look up at Haymitch and tell him "I want to get married tomorrow."

He chokes on his food. "You what?"

"I said I want to get married tomorrow." I repeat. Does he not want to?

"Really? Without your family here?" he asks.

"You are my family now, Haymitch. You and our daughter." I tell him with a smile. "Of course I'd love my sister and mom here. Annie and Finnick too. But after everything that's happened the past few weeks I've realized that I don't want to wait. I want to live my life and be happy. We never know when that can be taken away from us. Also, I'm tired of everyone calling me 'Miss Everdeen'. I'm ready to be Mrs. Abernathy."

He just looks at me for a minute then shaking his head he says "Just when I think you've said and done everything humanly possible that could make me happy you out do yourself. You're constantly making me happier than I ever thought I'd be. Ok, tomorrow, let's do it; let's get married." He laughs and I go sit on his lap and kiss him deeply.

Early the next morning we go to the Justice Building and get married. Our vows are simple but heartfelt. We fill out the paperwork to make our union legal and to change my last name. We already have a house so we don't need to be issued one. On our way home we stop by the new bakery run by a couple from 13 and buy some bread so we can do our toasting at home.

Out of tradition, he carries me over the threshold. I laugh at him but he just smiles and kisses me. After he sets me down he goes to start a fire.

I bring the bread and sit down next to him on the floor. We each break off a piece and then look at each other. Haymitch says something first.

"I know we said our vows already and you know I'm not big on words but here alone, in our home, I want you to know that I love you and I vow to always provide for, protect, cherish, and love you and our children from now until my dying breath."

With tears in my eyes I say to him "You complete me in ways I didn't know I wasn't whole. I vow to love you, take care of you, and be by your side all the days of my life. I'll never stop loving you Haymitch."

We toast our pieces of bread and feed them to each other. There, in the warmth of the fire, we consummate our marriage, making us truly and wholly one.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

I am so so so so so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I have had this chapter finished since I updated with chapter 18 I just haven't had the time to type it up. I am working on 20 right now and will try to get it up by Monday at the latest.

Chapter 19

My 24 week appointment 3 weeks later goes very well. Dr. Rideaux confirms that we are still having a girl and she is the picture of health (much to my relief). He draws some blood for testing and lets me go with my next appointment set for a month later.

It's the end of November so we have to bundle up to keep warm. My new coat scratches my neck as we walk home. I stop into one of the shops in the square to buy a scarf. After searching through several that are more for fashion than keeping you warm I find a nice cream colored one that looks good with my dark gray coat. I had to buy a new one when mine wouldn't close around my stomach anymore.

As we leave the shop hand in hand I look up at my husband. We haven't told anyone that we're married yet. We wanted to do it in person.

"I'd like to go visit 4 for a few weeks, before I get too big and uncomfortable. Maybe we can stay through Christmas." I tell him.

Haymitch looks down at me, kisses my gloved hand that he's holding and says "Ok. We need to tell everyone that we're married anyway." He's right.

When we get home I call my mom and make the arrangements to come down in three days.

When the train pulls into the station in 4 Haymitch grabs our bags. Mine is mostly empty. I'll have to buy some clothes while we're in town since I'm bigger than I was when the weather was warm in 12 and our shops are only selling winter clothes. It's much warmer here. I close my eyes and breathe in the salty air once I step off the train.

"Katniss!" I hear my sister yell. She runs towards me and about knocks me over. "Look at you! You've gotten so big!" she says as she rubs her hands over my stomach.

"Gee, thanks." I tell her sarcastically. We both laugh and hug again.

"Hello Katniss, you look wonderful." I turn as I hear my mom speaking. I haven't seen her since before I found out I was pregnant. On the ride down to 4 I had decided that I was going to forgive and forget her attempts to break Haymitch and me up. We're married and expecting a baby now so it's a moot argument anyway.

"Hi mom." I tell her then hug her tight. She pulls back and holds me at arm's length to look down at my bump. Then she shocks me by grabbing my belly in both hands while a huge grin forms on her face.

"How's my granddaughter doing?" she asks my stomach. I look at Haymitch and we both raise our eyebrows at each other. "She's great." I say. And as if to agree with me she kicks me, hard. My mom's face lights up even more and she coos over my stomach. "She's a strong one." She comments. I nod my head and say Mmmhmm in agreement.

"Come on, let's go to the house. Hello Haymitch." She adds, finally acknowledging my husband's presence.

"Hello." He says shanking her outstretched hand. We all walk back to mom and Prim's house chatting about the weather and making plans to take me clothes shopping.

Once Haymitch and I are settled in our room I look up at him wrapping my arms around his neck. "Are you ready?" I ask him.

"I guess." He answers then leans down to kiss me as he wraps his arms around my waist. I'm amazed he can still reach all the way around me considering how big my stomach is getting. Our kiss deepens and we start rubbing up against each other. We've been like rabbits lately. Dr. Rideaux says that an increased sex drive is completely normal during this stage of pregnancy.

We pull away from each other panting. I take a step away from him, catching my breath. "We better go down stairs now before we get carried away." I say. He nods in agreement.

We walk down the stairs towards the living room where mom and Prim are waiting for us. Haymitch grabs my hand as we reach the bottom of the steps and I smile up at him.

We sit down on the love seat. Mom and Prim watch us. Prim is smiling at us "You two are so cute together." She says. I smile while Haymitch just looks uncomfortable. "So, what's going on with y'all, besides the obvious?" Prim asks nodding towards the baby inside me.

"Actually, Haymitch and I have some news." I start. Prim's face lights up and my mom sits up straighter. "We got married a few weeks ago." I finish. Prim squeals and jump up, running over to hug and congratulate us. Mom's eyes dart down to our left hands, noticing our rings for the first time. Her whole body turns to stone. Damn.

Once Prim has reclaimed her seat on the larger couch I turn to my mother and say "Well, mom?"

"Congratulations." She says between tight lips. "I'm going to start on dinner." Then she quickly stands and heads to the kitchen. I sigh heavily.

"I'll go talk to her." I say to Haymitch. He nods and then kisses the top of my head. He whispers good luck to me in my ear before releasing me. As I make my way to the kitchen I hear Prim say "So, tell me everything. Where did y'all get married? Was anyone else there? What did Katniss wear?" I hear my husband chuckle and I smile to myself.

Here we go.

I take a seat at the table and watch her as she works at getting dinner prepared.

"You could have told me over the phone at least, even if you didn't want to invite me. I wouldn't have been negative." She says to me without looking at me.

"I didn't invite anyone, mom. I wanted it to be just him and me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." I explain. She doesn't say anything else. I roll my eyes at her back. "Look, mom, I was still hurt over what happened the last time I was here. And deciding on the day was very last minute. I had some complications and had to go to the hospital and being there made me realize I didn't want to wait any longer to get married. We did it the day after I was discharged." I say.

She turns around quickly, her eyes wide "Complications? What happened, Katniss?" she demands.

Damn. I didn't mean to bring up my hospital stay. "It was nothing mom. I was very dehydrated and started having contractions. Haymitch carried me to the hospital, running the whole way. They gave me meds to stop the contractions and fluids to hydrate me. She's ok. Perfectly healthy. We just had another ultrasound 4 days ago." I tell her.

"Katniss, what happened? You don't get so dehydrated you go into preterm labor from not drinking for one day. What happened?" she repeated then looked into the living room towards Haymitch then back at me. I know in her head she's blaming him. That pisses me off but I take a calming breath and tell her "Mom, I'm not completely better, you know. Neither of us is. We may never be." She knows what I'm referencing, or rather, who. "I was battling with it again… my depression. It just took over and I dragged him down with me." I nod towards Haymitch who's listening to my sister prattle on about something. "I realize how negligent I was then. I promise I'll never let that happen again. Knowing that I could have lost my daughter makes me sick. Haymitch and I are all she has. We get that now. We'll never fail her like that again." I let my voice trail off at the end. My mom looks down with a guilty look on her face. She's remembering the time she failed Prim and me after dad died. I didn't mean that as a jab towards her. "Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"No no," she cuts in. "it's ok. I'm ok. I'm proud of you. You learned your lesson quickly. I didn't for months. If it weren't for you, you, your sister, and I wouldn't be here now. You're going to be a wonderful mother, Katniss, and a good wife too. I can see how much y'all love each other. I'm happy you have him. You deserve happiness. He and y'alls daughter are very lucky to have you." She's crying now. I stand and walk to her and give her a hug.

"Thank you mom for saying all of that. I really needed to hear that. I've been so worried that I would fail."

"You won't darling. You succeed at everything you do. You'll be just fine." She kisses my forehead then lets me go.

I take a shuddering breath and wipe my cheeks. I smile at my mom. She smiles back then turns to finish dinner. Maybe she and I will be ok after all.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or its characters.

Chapter 20

Our first week in 4 is very busy. My mom, Prim and Annie take me shopping almost every day for myself and for the baby. She has to be the most spoiled child in all of Panem and she's not even born yet! Once we had more baby items than our room could hold we shipped everything to 12 and asked Greasy Sae to accept the packages at our house.

One surprisingly cool day Annie and I decide to walk along the shore.

"You're glowing Katniss. Pregnancy suits you." She tells me.

"I've just gotten a little too much sun is all." I brush off her mushy comment.

"No, you're definitely glowing. And not just about the baby. You should see how you light up when you're around that cranky old husband of yours. You're happy Katniss; it's a good thing." She says.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I sigh.

"Have y'all thought of a name yet?" She asks.

"Well, I haven't told Haymitch yet but I was thinking of naming her Prue, for Peeta and Rue." I tell her, nervous of her response.

"Prue. I love it! It's the perfect tribute. Do you have any middle name ideas?"

I'm relieved she likes it. "No, I thought I'd let Haymitch pick that one out. Assuming he likes Prue."

"Oh, he'll love it. You could name her Dirt and he'd let you. He thinks you hung the moon." She caught me off guard with that statement. I don't think he feels quite so strongly about me but I don't say anything.

"I can tell by the look on your face that you don't believe me. Katniss, you really don't know the effect you can have on people do you?" she asks smiling. She's the third person to tell me that. I brush it off.

"I know Haymitch loves me." I say and leave it at that. She lets the topic drop.

"So, Mrs. Abernathy, I still can't believe you're married, and to your mentor!" She jokes.

"Former mentor." I amend and playfully punch her arm.

"Ok, ok! I was just teasing you."

"I know." I say then wink at her.

"Anyway, what I was going to say before you physically attacked me is that I have something to tell you." She says nervously.

"Well, spit it out Mrs. Odair."

She takes a deep breath and stops walking. I stop too and face her. I'm starting to get worried.

She smiles at me and says "I'm pregnant Katniss."

"Really? Oh I'm so happy for you Annie!" I hug her as tightly as my stomach allows. "How far along are you? When are you due?" I ask in a rush.

"About 4 months. I'm due at the end of May." She beams. "We were going to tell everyone at dinner tonight but I wanted you to be the first to know."

"Oh Annie, this is great news. I'll keep quiet until you let everyone else know."

We continue walking and talking about babies for another hour before it's time to head home and wash up for dinner.

At dinner that night Annie and Finnick tell everyone else their good news. Mom and Prim both cry. The Odairs tell us that they will be keeping the sex of the baby a surprise. It sounds so exciting to not know until the baby arrives, just as nature intended. I vow to myself that if Haymitch and I ever have a second child that we will not find out either.

The remaining weeks we spend in 4 blur by quickly. Our daughter officially has more clothes than her parents combined but the time we head to the train station to go home.

We had all her things shipped home yesterday so all we had to worry about was our own bags, which are both fuller now as well.

Since we are leaving on a Sunday everyone is here to see us off. I say goodbye to Finnick, Annie, and Peter first, congratulating them once more.

I hug and kiss Prim goodbye next. She spends more time cooing over my stomach than talking to me, but I'm not bothered by it.

Lastly, I say bye to my mom. She hugs me tight then rubs my belly, telling "her girl" goodbye.

"I love you Katniss. I'm proud of the woman you've grown up to be." And then she kisses my cheek. I tell her thank you and that I love her too.

Once we're on the train and moving towards 12 I sit on Haymitch's lap and ask "Does this hurt? Am I too heavy now?"

"You're perfect." He says then rubs his nose to mine.

"I have something I want to run by you." I say.

"What's up sweetheart?" he asks.

"I've come up with a name I like."

"Oh you have now? Let's hear it."

"Prue. For Peeta and Rue." I say hesitantly.

"Hmmm, Prue. Prue Abernathy." He ponders. "I love it." He kisses me when I grin at him. "What's her middle name going to be?" He asks.

"I was thinking you should pick." I tell him.

"Ok, I can live with that. I'll get back to you on it." He says. I tell him ok and then kiss him again.

Our kiss turns into us making out like crazy teenagers on the sofa. Then we move to our sleeping room before we make each other too indecent for the public. Our lovemaking is rough and earth-shattering. We probably can be heard 3 cars down. Oops.

Lucky for me, our home is very close to the train station. I'm 28 weeks and finding it harder each day to do even simple tasks, like walking. Once we're home we immediately start a load of laundry and put our things away.

"We can wash Prue's clothes tomorrow." I say as I asses the large pile of boxes against the wall in our living room feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"Uh, you got some mail while we were gone sweetheart." Haymitch calls from the kitchen.

"Who's it from?" I ask as I make my way to him.

He doesn't say anything and hands me the letter. I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion over his silence. I glance down at the return address and stop breathing.

I look up at Haymitch. He's eyeing me closely seeing what my reaction is. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I don't know how I feel. I'm still in mild shock.

"Are you going to open it?" my husband asks me.

I look back down at the letter in my hand. "I don't know." I answer quietly.

Haymitch walks up to me, tilts my face up to his, and looks me in the eyes. "I think you should, sweetheart. It's been a year and a half. Maybe it's time to put the past behind you and move on." He looks me in the eyes for a few more seconds then he leans down and kisses me.

I drop the letter and wrap my arms around his neck as his go around my waist. After a minute or two Haymitch breaks away and leans down and picks up the discarded letter.

He kisses the top of my head, hands me the letter and says "Why don't you read it up in our room. Give yourself some privacy." I nod, take a deep breath and head upstairs.

**A/N: Do y'all like the name?**


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